President Trump sparked worldwide protests again this weekend when he signed off on an order that replaces Pope Francis with controversial faith healing preacher Benny Hinn.
The president signed the order with a huge Sharpie that ironically made his hands look even smaller, then he dicksplained his decision to the press.
"Pope Francis is so liberal, he's become obsolete, it's time we tell the Vatican how to run things, especially since they never pay their part for NATO. I said I was going to shake up the establishment, and the Catholic Church has had the popeship for way to long. That's why I'm nominating him, and I think Benny Hinn is going to be one of the greatest popes ever."
Trump's nominee, Hinn, is the WWF version of a preacher: He travels around the world with a theatrical show where he supposedly knocks over and and even knocks out true believers with the power of Christ and a mere wave of his hand.
Protests against Trump's executive order erupted worldwide, but have been fiercest in Latin America where Pope Francis is extremely popular.
Later in the day Trump countered criticism of his nomination in a series of tweets that together read:
"It's just a few hysterical Catholics who are protesting, and they are probably all being paid by George Soros. And Soros can buy a lot of protesters in a place like Brazil, you know it's only one US dollar to buy ten hours of protest there, it's the same with hookers, but not that I would know. So someone like Soros can come in and hire hundreds of thousands of protesters, and then he pays off the dishonest media to report the fake protests."
Trump spokesdick Jason Miller defended the president's executive order when he spoke to reporters outside of a Trump Wellness Center in a barn near Buffalo, New York.
"As President Trump has said, the Catholic church has had a monopoly on the papacy for decades, they need to let another denomination have it for once."
When asked if the president realizes that only the Vatican, the world headquarters of the Catholic Church, can decide the next pope if and when it's time, Miller re-iterated his boss's position.
"Again, the Catholic Church has had way too much control over the popeship. If Benny Hinn is not ratified as the new pope, President Trump is considering other nominees who are similarly qualified. And because President Trump sets one historical precedent after another, he may be the first to nominate a Jew or Muslim for the popeship."
Archbishop Rick Chufeld in Boston rebuked Trump's call for a new pope, and even swore.
"The presumption that President Trump can somehow decide to pick and choose the pope is beyond ludicrous. Donald Trump is not the King of the world or even King of America, he's just--may God forgive me--King of Assholes."