Everytown, U.S.A - Coke heads, crack heads, pill freaks and heroin junkies have all banded together in support of freeing their beloved El Chapo, the Mexican drug lord, from prison, by opening a Kick-Starter page.
"Our goal is to raise enough money to re-bribe the shiesty guards at the prison El Chapo's being held at," said Jennifer Trackmarks, a stay-at-home mom of four, who started the fund from her trailer-park on the outskirts of Memphis. "El Chapo's got the best skag I've ever shot into my veins, and I just hate to think of him wasting away behind bars after all he's done for me and my friends. I figured, shit, shouldn't be too hard, right? It's Mexico!"
Jennifer admits that she started the fund while she was 'high as fuck,' but even after she ran out of smack the next day, and had to blow her neighbor for a little fix, she still thought the kick-starter page was a solid idea. By later that day, after she'd picked her kids up from their parole officers, she was amazed to find that the account already had almost fifty bucks in it.
"Yeah, I was real tempted to just screw everyone else over, cash out on the fifty bucks, and go get a bag of junk, but I figured I'd let it roll after I stole some of my 14-year-old's dope."
"The next morning, the fund was up to over a hundred dollars, and I figured 'hey, if I could really get Chapo out, he'll probably give me a whole fat sack of free smack!' Now we got nearly $480 in the fund, which is a shitload of pesos. I'm pretty sure it's gettin' close enough to bribe who ever the fuck we need to down in that crazy shit-hole of a country. I mean, I got caught pissin' in the street in Cancun once, and it cost me $7 bucks to get out of jail."
After returning from the bathroom, our baked-out internet guru mumbled, "...way I see it, now we just gotta get Sean Penn dangling from a rope out of a helicopter and we are good to go!" Then she passed out face first into a bowl of stale Cheetos.
So don't overdose just yet American junkies! Papa will be home real soon.