NFL Players Must Wear Ankle Bracelets

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Tuesday, 6 September 2016


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When you're paid to hit people on the job you might take that home with you, or in your car, at a bar, in a nightclub, or in a parking lot dispute. NFL players are spoiled, they feel entitled. They believe they're outside the rules and that even if they get in trouble they can buy their way out with a top-dollar legal defense says Time magazine.

It goes at lest as far back as college. "A startling 54 percent of the student-athletes admitted to committing at least one "sexually coercive" act in their lifetimes, such as making their partner have sex without a condom or using physical force or threats to commit rape," reports the "Medical Daily" about an unnamed college in the southwestern U.S.

The San Diego Union keeps a database of arrest records of NFL players:

It is a sad tale of players who play a violent sport taking that behavior off the field. Players beat wives and girlfriends, get in altercations in bars, drive at incredible speeds, kill girlfriends' dogs, endanger children, maim strangers in parking lot altercations, and are arrested for drug possession.

But now the NFL is finally doing something about it. Before anyone can play football in the NFL they must undergo 2 years of extensive psychotherapy to rid the athletes of dangerous, psychopathic personality traits. Because their psychological disorders are so severe, they must be in the analyst's office five days a week.

After that experience, any player who has committed battery on another human or animal, during football season, will be confined to housing after practice where they will not be allowed human or animal contact. To ensure that the players follow this rule wearing ankle bracelets will monitor them. Any infractions of the rules will be met with dismissal from the team.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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