Clinton Definitely Will Lose Election To Trump

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Saturday, 10 September 2016


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Hillary Clinton yesterday said one-half of Trump's backers belonged in a "basket of deplorables" because they are racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic, you name it."

"Politicians are supposed to flatter voters not attack them," said commentators. Professor Richard Faulk of Columbia University asserted, "O.K. Hillary isn't going to get the votes of Old Confederacy. But what about the rest of America?"

"In all of America institutional racism is American as apple pie. People know this. They saw cops killing unarmed blacks on TV. Many whites feel guilty. If you call millions of voters racist, a lot of people are going to feel uncomfortable as to whether they're one of them.," said the Columbia University Professor.

"Why would a politician who needs their votes do that? What on earth was Hillary thinking?" questioned Faulk.

"The same with xenophobia. Trump says 'All of our troubles are caused by Mexicans, Chinese, Japanese, Saudis and others,' helping Americans find a scapegoat for severe economic problems. Studies show that it isn't only his supporters who believe this."

"And xenophobia is linked to aggressive super-patriotism. Most Americans can't define what foreign policy is and think that policy means 'spreading freedom around the world' because 'we're #1' so others should be like us,'"explained the professor.

"What the hell is Hillary doing? She's supported every foreign war or military escalation in the last decade, and prates on and on about America's being the exceptional nation. Why would she mention xenophobia?" asked Faulk

I questioned Jane Forthright, a professor of political science at U.C. Berkley as to whether Hillary was right, that one-half of Trump's supporters were sexist. "Is that a serious question?" she laughed. "Trump's blunt kind of misogyny manifesting itself in his comments about Rosie O'Donnell, 'loser women who are not 10's,' Megan Kelley, and Carly Firornia is a way to get the sexist men of America to vote for him."

"We are witnessing the crumbling of patriarchal social structures in the United States because, among other things, women have to be breadwinners too, and there are more of them in college than men, etc. This is building tremendous resentment among a lot of men. Trump taps into that. We're talking about millions of men."

Echoing comments made by Professor Faulk she said, "Why would she bring up the issue of sexism? Does she have a death wish? She doesn't want the Presidency? Social progress of women doesn't just threaten male Trump supporters, it does that to independents and democrats too," said Professor Forthright.

As for the matter of homophobia, Forthright stated, "Why would Clinton talk about it?" The evangelicals are homophobes but Trump doesn't have their vote sowed up. It just reminds them that she's too socially liberal," said the U.C. Berkeley Professor.

Clinton's remarks drew comparisons to rhetoric from former failed Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney, who pointed to the 47 percent of America that were just looking for a handout from the government.

"Hillary's had her 47% moment and her electoral goose is cooked. She's managed to piss off millions of potential voters," said MSNBC commentator Chris "Tweety Bird" Matthews.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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