Written by Keith Shirey

Saturday, 27 August 2016

image for Trump Fires Himself From Campaign

Donald Trump said to himself today, "You're Fired," as he exited his campaign for the Presidency. He held a press conference today at the Trump Tower.

"Believe me, you can count on the fact that I'm out of the campaign you low-energy press losers. I've had so many people telling me to leave, so many people. They say that I shouldn't have to take it anymore from the haters. All those haters. There's a tremendous hatred for me out there," he explained.

"I have a problem, a real problem. It's a tremendous problem. This campaign is a strain on my boys. A tremendous strain. They want to kill more lions and elephants hunting. They want to hunt. Hunt in Africa. But they can't go hunting, just can't go hunting, a beautiful thing. It's a huge strain on them not to hunt. A huge strain. I just can't deprive them of that because of the campaign they have no time, just no time at all to kill," he said.

"But don't worry, we're going to build that big and beautiful wall. Don't you worry, you weak press losers and ugly bimbos, we're going to build that wall to Make America Great Again. Great again folks. Not to worry you low energy people. I'm very rich. I'll construct the wall myself but I'll tell Mexico they have to pay for it or I won't let them manufacture my Trump Line ties and suits anymore. Not anymore, folks. In Mexico they won't manufacture my clothes anymore. Believe me," the former candidate stated.

"And they attacked Melania's plagiarism. I can't put her through this. It's a tremendous strain on Melania. . . a tremendous strain. How was she to know they'd find out she stole the words? She couldn't know, just couldn't know. Like the boys, she doesn't have time for anything. She wants to pose nude again but has no time for the shoots, no time to pose. Just has no time," said The Donald. I have to quit for Melania and the boys so they can hunt and pose nude," he said.

"I guess you low energy people, big time low energy losers, losers in the PC press will be happy you don't have me to kick around anymore. Yes, you l-ooo-sers, every one a l-ooo-ser."

"Now you Can't kick Melania and the boys around anymore. You'll be very happy, very happy. Now you can go back to your political correctness. No more kicking me around, kicking me around. No more attacking me for telling the truth about Obama and Clinton founding ISIS. No more attacking me for telling the truth.

A reporter asked him what he would do now that the campaign for him was over.

"I'm writing 'The Art Of The Deal 2.' The Bible is a great book, a truly great book which was better, better than the first 'Art Of The Deal," which I always said was the second best book every written. My book, second only to the Bible, which I've read from cover to cover. The Bible, cover to cover, believe me. But 'Deal2' will be better than the Bible, which is still truly a great book I must say. That I will tell you."

He continued that he would do interviews for 'The Drudge Report' and other on- line publications. "Matt's a fantastic guy, a truly fantastic guy I will tell you. Matt Drudge, I love the guy. And the 'White Confederacy Arising' blog. They'll want to interview me. And maybe I'll write for them because I went to an Ivy League school. I'm highly educated. I know words. I have the best words, I have the best words. And the best brain, the very best brain."

"My millions of followers will be disappointed that I'm leaving. But they'll have someone just like me to vote on in 2020. And he'll be a winner, that I can tell you. I will tell you that, trust me. And he will be just like me, preaching white nationalism. You can count on that, believe me he'll win the Presidency."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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