Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Monday, 15 August 2016

image for Donald Trump's America: A Review

My wife and I went to see a movie called Trump's America at a local multiplex which will remain unnamed. When I purchased the tickets for the movie, the cashier behind the window asked to see my and my wife's photo IDs, to make sure we weren't Mexicans trying to sneak into the movie theater to rape people and cause general havoc. After she saw our IDs, she smiled and said "Enjoy the movie!"

As we approached the ticket line, the person collecting our tickets then asked us what faith we practiced--to make sure we wouldn't enter the movie theater and begin to spread Sharia Law. I lied and told him I was a Christian, and that my wife was a Rastafarian. He pulled out his phone to see what a Rastafarian was, and after looking it up, decided that it was close enough to Christianity to pass muster.

Trump's America is a dark and brooding movie about an America--the America Donald Trump envisions so often in his speeches and at his rallies--going to hell in a handbasket. In the movie, Mexicans and jihadists freely roam the land, blowing up churches and synagogues and raping women and men and stealing from white Christian Americans. China now owns a large part of the United States, and children in our public school systems are forced to learn Chinese as their first language, with Spanish and then English being taught as their second and third languages respectively. (Yeah, I know many Anglo Americans can barely speak a first language, but we'll let that pass.)

Also, most Americans are out of work and are holed up in their homes, armed to the teeth (because Obama apparently didn't confiscate all of the guns, somehow missing around 300 million of them), and awaiting the apocalypse described above. This is when the military is called in, but since, as Donald Trump reminds us repeatedly, today's military is so pathetic and weak, our soldiers are easily overrun and killed or imprisoned by the Chinese overlords.

But into this chaos that once was America Land of the Free comes a strongman, a strongman with orange hair and small hands who will singlehandedly turn everything around, after he builds a huge wall (with his small hands) and deports eleven million people. Also, there is his wife Melania, who is really hot and is good at mimicking speeches, and his kids, who are all well-spoken and rich. In fact, some of them even hunt leopards in Zimbabwe, to prove to everyone that they, at least, do not have small hands . . . or whatever.

I don't want to give away too many details, in case you want, like my wife and me, to sit in a dirty theater with sticky seats and broken or no cup holders to pay three bucks to see a movie that
Dinesh D'souza, the movie critic from the National Review, called a "dark, brooding premonition of what a hack with enough money can throw up a screen and maybe garner a profit from."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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