Hold your nose party reports delay with new weight scales on "lesser evil" problem

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

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Not using a nose pin may cause some discomfort in the coming presidential election

The HNP (Hold Your Nose Party), currently instrumental in resolving the "But just who is the lesser evil of the two major candidates question," is experiencing some delay.

In review, Mr. Arnold Batorswich, Director of the HNP, recently stepped forward to present a "scientific path toward decision."

Mr. Batorswich was also observed wearing a nose-clamp (the ONP or "odor nostril pin"), specially designed to prevent absorption of odors accompanying the weighing of lesser/greater evil factors.

These pins also decorate the nostrils in a variety of colors, which MSNBC's "Morning Joe" assessed at "pretty sexy."

When a lesser/greater evil factor gains weight, whether via lie or political attitude, the odor factor increases (note: nose pin strengths are available in a range from light to heavy odor duty).

These pins have been developed by AEN Inc (American Electoral Nosepins Incorporated), one of Mr. Batorswich's corporations.

Meanwhile, science has ascertained that evil not only has a specific, detectable odor but a certain weight, so that, when placed on a scale, it can be measured.

Thus it is possible to offer conclusive evidence related to the "greater/lesser evil" problem now afflicting the populace re the coming election.

For example, there are "white lies" and "little white lies" as well as "big horrible dirty black lies."

These varieties all weigh in at specific amounts (available for the US in ounces and pounds).

A white lie such as "My love for my husband never faltered," which is a sympathetic lie as an offer of loyalty in a possibly fraying or previously fraying marriage weighs in at a range of 2.0 to 2.5 ounces.

However, deeply staining a lie as with "We know the Russians hacked the DNC Convention," whereas intelligence expert James Clapper states there is no such evidence, or "Most whites are killed by blacks," contradicted by available statistics, raises the weight to a solid sixteen ounces per iteration.

Batorswich analysis indicates greater/lesser evil weighing procedures fall into categories like the following:

*aggression with Russia

*expansion of middle east conflicts as in Syria

*expansion of international trade agreements and unemployment

*stimulating xenophobia and general stupidity

*mental fitness for executive office

However, a problem has developed with personnel at the weighing machines, despite protective clothing and masks along with the "the odor nostril pin" (ONP).

Associated odors (arising from both major candidates) have decimated staff at this time (dizziness, faintness, collapse to the lab floor).

A spokesperson for both HNP and AEN Inc. assures the press this latest problem is only temporary.

The science is sound plus a new generation of improved ONP's has been designed and will be available for the public in plenty of time for the November vote.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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