Poll Predicts Hillary Beats Jesus

Funny story written by JennyNorthStar

Friday, 12 August 2016

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ONLY IN AMERICA - For the last few weeks no one could have missed the Hillary and Donald presidential campaign circus. More acts than Ringling Brothers. More drama than The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Even a high building climb, death defying act. The new wrinkle: More polls than there are in Poland. The news media finds a benign Donald Trump story, spins it beyond recognition, pounds the daily news from hundreds of so called experts for at least a week, then publishes a poll to prove their own conclusions. When it's a slow news day, what else? The polls become the lead story. This new political propaganda paradigm provides the perfect amalgamation between exhaustive biased reporting with voter mind control.

If you want to know how you think? There is a poll to tell you. Why are you or your friends never included in a poll? There is a poll to tell you that too. Worried about polls involving only a small number of people, like 0.0005% of the population? Not to worry. Polling accuracy is calculated by the same statisticians that work on the U.S. federal budget, which, by the way, is now $21 Trillion. That's 21,000,000,000,000 dollars, give or take a few billion dollars depending on what minute you read this.

Today, there are almost as many pollsters as there are political pundits. Together, they greatly outnumber the number of people being polled and voters - probably by millions. There's pollsters like: Ipsos, Gallup (yippee-ki-yay), Harris, D3, Rasmussen, Zogby, ZogMe, ZogYou, ZigZag, and Pew Research Center. Okay, so everyone can agree the last one's polls stink. And, don't forget CRAP - Cheerleaders Responsive Accurate Polling, Inc.

What if Jesus were alive and running against Hillary? What would the news headlines be? What would the polls reveal? Would he have a chance? Yes, maybe Jesus was a man of poverty, a man of peace, and it wouldn't be a fair fight. But, he did have his moments. Here are some of Jesus' more memorable quotes, events, and how they would appear in today's press, the Clinton camp response, with the resulting favorability poll for both of them.

Jesus Turns Water Into Wine

News Headline: A small group of homeless vagrants stumble through streets like drunken sailors proclaiming water was turned into wine

Hillary Clinton: I turned dead broke into a over $100 million family fortune with very little effort and a few speeches.

Jesus Questioned By Pharisees

News Headline: Jesus avoids interviewer's questions during religious interrogation - eludes to being the son of God

Clinton Camp: Who needs God when you have the press and polls on your side?

Jesus Proclaims: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

News Headline: Galilee - During gathering of partisan supporters, Jesus makes bold proclamation to make it appear he's not a war monger

Clinton Camp: Bernie Sanders mumbled something about Jesus' statement before being dragged off the Democratic Convention floor.

Lazarus Risen From the Dead

News Headline: Jewish rabbi brings rich guy back from dead. No poor people reported resurrected.

Hillary Clinton: I told you he only cares about the rich.

Jesus Feeds multitudes with two small fish and five loaves of bread

News Headline: Eyewitness reports a caravan of camels laden with seafood and bakery products seen hiding behind Mount of Beatitudes

Clinton Camp: Forget about fish and bread - we'll make sure you are on Food Stamps. You can buy whatever you want to eat!

Jesus Said: He who is without guilt, cast the first stone.

This one didn't make much of a news story. It has been speculated that some journalists may have a soul after all.

Clinton Camp: A Clinton insider said: "They were just glad Jesus didn't mention the word email."

Jesus Walks On Water

News Headline: After a long day of catching no fish and drowning their sorrows in wine, fishermen see man walking on water

Clinton Camp: Ha. Ha. Ha. Let's see him get out of some real tough situations without getting a scratch, like Whitewater, Travelgate, Filegate, Vince Foster's death, presidential impeachment, and having his own email server.

Jesus Heals The Sick

News Headline: A blind man, previously reported reading a torah, can miraculously see again

Clinton Camp: Don't worry about getting sick, Obama Care will take care of you.

Jesus Throws Money Changers Out of Temple

News Headline: Rabble Rousing Rabi Ruckuses Religious Rotunda

News Commentary: Using a whip made out of cords, Jesus chases people and defenseless small animals, then angrily over turns money changer's tables. An eyewitness said "He went berserk and even scared small children and infants."

Hillary Clinton: I told you that Jesus guy was unstable, unfit, a meanie, doesn't believe in fair trade, and a baby beater. He will get what he deserves!

Final Poll Favorability Results:
Hillary: 95% Favorable
Jesus: 5% Favorable

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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