The South Rises Again? South Carolina Votes to Leave European Union

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Sunday, 7 August 2016

image for The South Rises Again? South Carolina Votes to Leave European Union
The rebel flag no longer flies there, but South Carolina's never considered itself part of the Union, European or otherwise.

Following a hotly contested statewide referendum, South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley sent shock waves through international economies when she announced that South Carolina citizens, by a margin of over eighty-six percent, had voted to secede from the European Union.

Explained Governor Haley, "By this referendum, the citizens of South Carolina have made clear their refusal to continue to submit to the whims of a European order. South Carolina is not a colony. This decision empowers us to make the decisions that are best for us, rather than being constrained by a league of foreign nations - whose priorities, it's become quite clear, differ greatly from our own."

One particular area of conflict between South Carolina and the EU, noted Governor Haley, is the EU's opposition to capital punishment. The death penalty is still in effect in South Carolina.

"Frankly," stated Governor Haley, "we here in Dixie consider the death penalty part of our Second Amendment right to bear arms. Of course, in this case, our 'arm' happens to be a hypodermic needle or an electric chair. But the principle's the same."

For that reason, Haley contended, the EU's prohibition on capital punishment is actually unconstitutional. "And we're not going to let our fundamental rights be trampled on by the EU - or anyone."

Haley added that South Carolinians also felt extremely uncomfortable with the EU's pro-choice stance on abortion.

"The EU evidently values the lives of child molesters and murderers more than they do the lives of innocent unborn children," she remarked dryly. "In South Carolina, on the other hand, we do oppose the death penalty - for fetuses."

Many economists and political commentators have asked the obvious question...why secede from the EU now?

As Governor Haley explained, "We in the Global South have a responsibility to stand up against injustice, and particularly injustice against ourselves. When we heard about the brave folks in England who finally stood up and said they'd had enough of the EU, it got us scratching our heads. And we realized, you know what? So have we!"

Many have pointed out a key difference between Brexit and South Carolina's EU secession, which some have dubbed "Dixit" - or, less flatteringly, "Hixit": unlike England, South Carolina is not, and never has been, a member of the European Union.

"Exactly," Governor Haley agreed. "We may have agreed to stop flying the rebel flag in South Carolina, but it still flies in our hearts. We've never considered ourselves part of the Union - European or otherwise. This recent referendum merely formalizes that position."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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