I'm thinking of buying a spider monkey to write these crazy stories I write for The Spoof. Chances are, a mean-tempered and hostile little ape would do a much better job of writing comedy and satire than this boneheaded writer. And since I'm a lazy slob, not only would I be able to sleep all day then, well, I'd be able to sleep all night, too.
It's sort of the way I feel about Donald Trump becoming President of the United States. Not only is he a racist pig, a misogynist, a hater of people with disabilities, he's also unqualified.
And being unqualified is the worst thing of all. At least Hillary Clinton has almost a half a century of public service to her credit, most of it at the federal level. The Donald comes to us with absolutely no experience as a federal leader, or really, as any other type of political leader.
Why not make a goldfish or a bluebird President? How's about some fossilized remnant of a dinosaur in some museum? They'd be able to do absolutely nothing. This Trump guy's a very dangerous man. And he's not a hawk, but more akin to a pterodactyl. He knows more about ISIS than our generals do, he says. Well considering the source here is an incorrigible know-it-all, I just have to laugh at this statement. Donald Trump thinks he knows more than God, most likely, too.
The sad fact is, he'll most likely try to get us in so many wars that every man, woman, and child in the USA will be conscripted to join the U.S. Marine Corps. Think about it: Do you really want this nutcase to have his finger available, quick and handy, to send all those nuclear warheads over to some unsuspecting nation somewhere? I don't. Northern winters are bad enough and I certainly don't want to live through a nuclear winter, if I'm left living at all, after such a holocaust. Sad to say, a nuclear winter is around to stay. It doesn't turn into a nuclear spring, then a nuclear summer, but stays a nuclear winter forever. Don't breath the air and don't drink any of the liquids, either.
"Let's make America great again," is his No. 1 war cry. Well, I never thought for a second that America isn't great. It's the greatest country in the world, bar none. "Just let me fix it. I can fix it all, no fear, The Donald is here." Well, Mr. Trump, the last time I let a shade-tree mechanic work on a car, the fucking thing blew up on the interstate. The engine was frozen solid. There was so much smoke and mist flying up from the hood that it almost seemed like a primordial or prehistoric atmosphere surrounded my little Chevy.
Although the Separation of Powers will keep him from doing insurmountable damage if he's elected President, in one four-year term this potential tyrant will do enough harm to this great land that it won't be much of a great land after the fat lady sings. And an eight year term? I'm going to quit hacking away at this thing and go to the video store to rent The Exorcist.
And judging from his eccentric and crazy personality, Donald Trump might just quit being President. Like a guy who gets cut badly cutting meat in a butcher shop would just up and leave. Yes, he's that crazy and unpredictable. "Well I had a very bad week this week so I'm quitting. The VP can take over, whoever he is. Oh, he quit last week? Well the Republican Party can just draft somebody else for this job. I don't like it. Go call Vargo and ask him if he still has that spider monkey. He'd do fine, that hideous primate. But he bites."
Sure, he's been worth some great entertainment over the past untold months. Keeping up with Trump's shenanigans is tough, since he does and says so many horrible and outlandish things every day. His campaign has been a carnival show, not a political campaign. It's that weird and whacked-out. And he's the ultimate con-man, too. His hateful rhetoric is bought like fool's gold. And he's got such a nasty temperament that he shouldn't be allowed to become dog catcher of Richland, Miss.
Most people who enter the American political scene start out modest. Maybe they try to get elected to a school board, or as a township trustee, or the mayor of a small city. But The Donald had to go for the whole cherry pie on his first try. He set his sites and his sights on the U.S. Presidency. At first, it was laughable. Then it became irritating and vile. Now it's become paranormal....
I would rather see David Koch as President and his brother, Charles Koch, as Vice President than see a Trump Presidential Administration come to fruition. We all know the Koch Brothers. We know their agenda, what they like and don't like, and who they hate. Charles and David will be, at least, very predictable. This Trump guy is so unpredictable and weirded-out that he might just wake up one morning and decide to declare war on Iceland. "Oh, those pacifists over there really bug me. Let's wipe them out. Let's get them before they get us. And let's build a big wall in the Atlantic Ocean to keep all those Icelanders out of the United States. We'll send the bill for the construction to the Greenland Ice Cap. They'll pay for it all...."
Trump's a whackadoodle. And really, so am I. But I'm mostly harmless. Trump's not. In fact, he's the most dangerous man to ever enter the American political scene.
Meanwhile, just wait until you see what my spider monkey churns out on this rattletrap old PC of mine. I'm putting in an order for a little ape that has syphilitic insanity and rabies. But only if Trump gets elected to the Presidency. If he's not, I'm buying a goldfish for the job. Needless to say, it'll be a long time until anything's written here, or anywhere else, actually....