The Singularity Is HERE! Monsanto Produces First Genetically Modified Human - Who/Which Bears Remarkable Resemblance to Average American Male

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Monday, 4 July 2016

image for The Singularity Is HERE! Monsanto Produces First Genetically Modified Human - Who/Which Bears Remarkable Resemblance to Average American Male
Like Monsanto's GM seeds, GMO Joe is "Roundup-ready," able to withstand high quantities of herbicides.

Scientists everywhere agree that technology is progressing at an exponential rate and that, ultimately, biology and technology will fully and irrevocably merge - a phenomenon many have termed the "singularity." What's been hotly debated, however, is precisely when the techno-human singularity will actually occur.

Well, agribusiness giant Monsanto, Inc., the corporation specializing in the development of genetically-modified organisms or "GMOs," recently brought that debate to a screeching halt when it announced that it has successfully produced the very first genetically-modified human, whom/which some have affectionately nicknamed "GMO Joe."

In other words...the singularity is HERE!

Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant could scarcely conceal his delight when the company unveiled GMO Joe. "This is evolution at its finest," Grant proudly proclaimed. "Corporate-driven evolution is the wave of the future."

Grant explained that in developing the genetically-modified human, Monsanto put to use its decades of experience in genetically modifying seeds in order to make them better able to withstand extremely high quantities of the Monsanto-produced herbicide Roundup. As a result, GMO Joe is ideally suited for working in fields heavily sprayed with pesticides, herbicides, and other toxins.

"GMO Joe is no wuss," boasted a beaming Grant. "He's the first Roundup-Ready man!"

By all accounts, GMO Joe is also an incredibly intriguing psychological specimen.

"People tend to think of GMOs as pathetic, repulsive mutants with little emotional complexity," stated Grant. "Not this guy! He's a fascinating mélange of self-centeredness, grandiosity, and borderline-phobic emotional insecurity."

According to Grant, GMO Joe's sense of entitlement, together with his desperate need to prove his own worth through the accumulation of material possessions, make him the quintessential consumer - potentially capable of singlehandedly rescuing the flailing American economy.

And it's not just cars, gadgets, and porn that GMH Joe will be buying, Grant was quick to elaborate; it's also pharmaceuticals.

"GMO Joe is completely immune not only to herbicides and pesticides, but also to the suffering of other living beings," explained Grant. "At the same time, though, he's hyper-sensitive to any real or perceived injury to himself, and can't tolerate even the slightest physical or emotional discomfort. As a result, he'll be buying lots of psych meds."

GMO Joe is also expected to be an consumer of medications for all sorts of physical ailments, added Grant. "Heart disease, erectile dysfunction, diabetes, you name it. Oh, and he's fat. Really fat."

Some have criticized Monsanto's highly-touted, economy-friendly genetically-modified human, pointing out that, in many respects, GMO Joe bears a remarkable resemblance to the average American male.

Grant conceded the point. "We took a great deal of inspiration from the American males already in existence," he acknowledged. "However, this is the first patented version."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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