Extraordinary scenes erupted at a press conference today when Dr Joseph H Mengelay informed the press that the BMA (British Medical Association) will be announcing a new campaign to stop people from going out in the evenings.
Despite facing tough questions from the assembled representatives of the British press at the news conference held at the Wulfslair Building, Todt Street, in London, Dr Mengelay insisted that this new campaign was vital for the nation's health.
"The figures are quiet staggering," said Dr Mengelay, in response to a reporters question. "Almost all alcohol related injuries seen and treated by our dedicated Health Service staff are a direct result of a poor decision to go out for an evening; often after work, but especially at weekends.
100% of going out related injuries are caused by people insisting on going out. This behaviour simply has to stop."
Asked how he was going to try and alter the behaviour of, 'going outers,' Dr Mengelay responded that he and his team of dedicated medical professionals intended to use the same techniques used against smokers.
"They are a tried and tested method of changing the behaviour of populations." He explained.
When I pressed him to tell us exactly what those methods would be, he seemed to become deranged and his whole personality, and even his nationality, changed in a flash.
He goose stepped from the podium and leant menacingly over me as I cowed in my chair. "Are you a dummkopf?" He yelled, gutturally, but fairly, into my face and covering it with spittle. Then he produced a short ruler from his pocket and began measuring my nose as he lowered his voice to a sinister whisper and asked me, "Or, perhaps you are Jewish? We know where your family lives."
Seeming to suddenly remember his surroundings, he coughed and walked calmly back to his podium seat and addressed my question, fairly, in a now perfect, English accent.
"For the ideologically challenged among us, I will explain our methods for ensuring our success in the forthcoming campaign to eradicate the disgusting habit of going out in the evening. A habit that is costing the NHS millions of pounds every year and subjecting our staff to the rigours of work.
"We shall begin by making people feel as fearful and as guilty as possible, about enjoying a night out. We have various innovative ideas to make this happen. For example, we shall ask Parliament to pass a law making it mandatory that all pubs, clubs, restaurants and other places frequented by reckless going-outers, must have a gruesome and large picture of the damaged internal organs, or dead bodies, of people who have been adversely and tragically affected by going out in the evening in the past, stuck to the front doors of their establishments.
"Next, we shall fill the newspapers with scare stories about women, children and old people who have been injured or killed by foolishly going out.
"Then we shall have discussion programs made and broadcast on television in daylight hours, in which obviously clever people will tell everybody who is not so clever, that going out is for people who are even more stupid than they are.
Eventually we hope to reach the point where going out has become so unpopular, that those insisting on not following their programming and still going out, will be forced to dance and laugh on pavements in the cold and rain outside clubs and other night spots. Thus making going-outers into social pariahs."
It took a reporter from the London Times to ask him the questions that burned in the hearts of all the assembled press, but who were also, too in awe of the doctor to dare bring up.
Julia Greer-Pankhurst, LondonTimes, Feminist correspondent, asked the doctor, "What is your favourite colour, are you married and do you own a dog?"
"Red, of course, you fool. I am a National Socialist. And no, I shot mine last week." Yelled an irritated, Doctor Mengelay.
"Dog or wife?" Persisted Ms Greer-Pankhurst, with alarming bravery and you-go-girlisness.
"Both!" Spat an obviously angered Doctor Mengelay. Clearly infuriated by the personal and off topic nature of the questioning.
Justin Grovel McSimper of the Daily Mirror, asked the doctor, "When do you hope to have this campaign up and running, my lord?"
The doctor smiled at the, "my lord" and replied, off the record, that he had to give MPs who have shares in such establishments as pubs, clubs, strip joints, brothels, kiddy fiddler orphanages and so on, time to dispose of their financial portfolios - just as with the tobacco industry - but that should not take longer than two years and this would give his team time to come up with some truly blood curdling fear and guilt trips for the general public.
A furore broke out when a man at the back raised his hand to ask a question and was selected by the unsuspecting doctor. The man in question had managed to gate crash the press conference by disguising himself as someone who gave a shit about the public and who, therefore, should have been spotted by security and ejected. A failing that was to have dire consequences.
What was to come spewing from the mouth of the freelance caused those of us in the responsible press to gape in horrified disgust at the vermin at the back.
"Good morning doctor," said the freelance. "My name is Dustin Offtrufe. I am a blogger and freelance journalist. As such, I am not enslaved by people like Rupert Murdoch, for example, and free to say or write what I wish.
"I have been looking into your background. Is it not true that you are a member of the extremist organisations, Doctors Against Freedom and Fun (DAFF) and Médecine Sans Démocratie? Is it also true that your favourite movie is, 'The Boys From Brazil' and that you have secretly changed your name to, Gregory Peck?"
The doctors face turned purple with rage and leapt to his feet and began shouting.
"Zis is nicht true. Nein! Zer people must be controlled like laboratory mice. Freedom is for der Übermensch. I am Übermensch! Listen Justin, you had better learn to do what you are told like these members of the real press, here today. We can find you and your family and make your life hell. Trouble makers will not be tolerated in the New Britain. We have the power to shut down your Internet connection. Then where would you be, huh, smart arse?"
Security grabbed the free lancer and hauled him out of the door - an action long overdue and far too gentle, Rupert Murdoch has insisted I say - as the doctor shouted again from the podium.
"Never go to your doctor or to a hospital again, freelancer! We will inject you in the bum and make your eyes water. We will carry out a hysterectomy you do not need. We will leave you unattended on a trolly for hours. We will..."
He seemed to run out of threats so he turned to a nurse waiting by the exit and yelled at her. "Find that schweinhund and bathe his balls in after shave!"
It took over an hour and several injections of powerful sedatives to return the doctors equilibrium. He finally called an end to the press conference with these wise words.
"Going out in the evening must be stopped. The nation must not become dependent on these addictive behaviours. Our nations health and national security depend on us locking our people away in their houses at night. It is time that Friday and Saturday nights were returned to sanity. We owe it to our children and our children's children and to their children. We must protect our future children and all children everywhere...Forever.
"Passive going out is known to give you cancer and flu. People selfishly go out, then they catch terrible things from other going-outers and then bring them home to their innocent children. This cannot be allowed to continue."
His intellectual arguments and promise of free operations for the press and members of their family were so compelling, it is likely that the campaign to prevent going out in the evening will be heavily supported by the nations responsible mainstream journalists. Probably not by the kind of scum that write for Internet sites though.
It is rumoured that freelance journalist and blogger, Dustin Offtrufe, has fled the country and moved to North Korea. Restrictions against reporting popular national feelings among the people are lighter in that tragic country than in civilised Britain.
