The Science is in: Boogers Are Good For Your Brain

Funny story written by XRhonda Speaks

Friday, 11 March 2016

image for The Science is in: Boogers Are Good For Your Brain
New research shows booger eaters have healthier brains.

Parents, don't be so quick to slap down the hand of your booger eating child, they could be growing some serious brains. Scientists have discovered an entirely new class of compounds in boogers that they are calling cerebrogenic, or brain building.

Penn Narcio, lead researcher at Health Technology Vortex, tells how anecdotal stories from ear throat and nose specialists prodded him to start the new field of cerebrogenics. "We were hearing all of these observations from ETNs that people who produced and ingested large amounts of mucous were living longer and healthier. No one had ever done the research, but the doctors were right."

Immunologists have long theorized that booger eating builds up the immune system, but what's most surprising is the brain health of Narcio's booger ingesting subjects: The eighty and ninety year old subjects often had healthier brains than their twenty or thirty year old counterparts.

"When you ingest these cerebrogens, they combine with amino acids in the gut and blood in a way that allows them to cross the blood brain barrier. Somehow these compounds preserve brain health, those who ingested the most mucous had 60% less incidence of beta-amyloid plaques."

No surprise, but Narcio and Health Technology Vortex are on the forefront of the new booger supplement movement. Already approved by the FDA, HTV has plans for a full line of its own supplements. The company is also in talks with Yoplait to license a line of booger laced kale yogurt, which may yet turn out to be the ultimate health and brain food.

There is a certain "ick" factor to all this talk of eating boogers. Narcio counters the ick with slick science, "We never use boogers from people or animals, they come from our proprietary manufacturing technique using stem cells. After we created a line of booger stem cells it still took years to ramp up production enough to be able to put boogers into vitamins and health foods."

Independently of HTV and Yoplait, Haagen Daz has funded research that promises people can live to a hundred or more by eating their soon to be released Booger Scab Crunch Ice Cream.

The giants in supplements and food manufacturing are staking their claims in the new booger supplement war, last week Kraft CEO Ben Chelton warned against cheap imported boogers from China and India, which he says can come from animals and even human cadavers.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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