Zombie Dentist Claims Ted Cruz's Bite Worse Than His Bark

Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Monday, 2 May 2016

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Zombie Bite

BILLINGSGATE POST: Confused? Never heard of a Zombie dentist? Never mind. It makes no difference.

Dr. Wichita Sleaze, one of the first dentists in Kansas to specialize in Zombie Maxillofacial Surgery, published an article in Dentistry Legends, that tells of his encounter with Senator Ted Cruz.

About ten years ago, the story goes, Cruz was bothered by his protruding upper bicuspids, sometimes called canine teeth. With his black hair and sinister smile, some people feared that he might be a Zombie. Little boys and girls would point at him and run crying to their mothers. Concerned that this condition might be harmful to his political ambitions, he was referred to Dr. Sleaze.

Sleaze didn't come by his name by accident. With his real name being a very common one; Henry Smith, to be exact, he found that his dental practice was suffering an identity crisis, and he was unable to attract interesting patients with bad teeth. With the backing of some of Wichita's most prominent Zombies, he changed his name to Dr. Wichita Sleaze and decided to limit his practice to treating Zombies.

The first visit by the aspiring young politician went well. Unable to purse his lips because of his protruding bicuspids, the initial diagnosis was that his teeth were fine, but his gums had to come out. But after further examination, Dr. Sleaze decided that Cruz's bite was worse than his bark and performed a double bicuspidectomy on his patient. And because of that, Senator Cruz is now able to kiss babies without drawing blood, and children don't run away from him anymore.

NOTE: Carly Fiorina just fell off the stage at a Ted Cruz rally in Indiana. This mishap had nothing to do with the Senator's new bite, as his teeth were nowhere near Carly's buttocks at the time of the fall.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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