BILLINGSGATE POST: The five bimbos the National Enquirer claim had carnal knowledge with Ted Cruz have one thing in common; None of them have names at this time. That is just as well. Experience has taught this reporter that the slower a story unfolds, the more likely it is to be true.
To get to the bottom of this story, roving reporter Wile E Coyote has has been commissioned by ACME Corporation to spot check the unidentified bimbos for tale-tale signs. Using surveillance drones manufactured by ACME and flown by Coyote, the following report was submitted:
Bimbo 1: Name unknown. Neighbors complained of screams of delight after unidentified male with black hair, Texas accent and big beak invited in. No pictures captured as shades were drawn after couple observed hovering drone outside window. Inconclusive
Bimbo 2: Lady Gaga look-a-like. Dressed in peek-a-boo nighty, cone shaped brass-tipped bra, black fishnet stockings. Male visitor approached subject apartment at 2:00 AM wearing black fedora and batman cape. Subject bimbo greeted visitor by calling him, "My little Teddy Bear." Drone was invited in to observe rendezvous. Pictures were confiscated and destroyed by subjects. Inconclusive
Bimbo 3: Possible transgender. Tryst occurred in Jack-In-The-Box parking lot where subject couple was observed sharing a Jumbo Jack with fries. Male was wearing Harvard Law sweatshirt and Levis. Bimbo had blond hair with matching mustache. Seemed happy to see each other as drone camera homed in on crotch area of suspects. Crack reporter Wile E Coyote had no illusions; further targeting recommended.
Bimbo 4: Former Playmate of Hugh Hefner. Alas, this was back in 1962, making Bimbo some 74 years old and crotchety. None-the-less, male wearing ten gallon hat, riding a grey stallion and singing, "The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You," was observed serenading said Bimbo underneath the balcony of her second floor flat. Drone buzzing caused horse to bolt. Rider last seen galloping off into the sunset with hands holding on to saddle horn for dear life. Deal not consummated. Inconclusive
Bimbo 5: Retired exotic dancer. Once performed in White House during Clinton reign. Living in semi-obscurity after asking the Secret Service for help from roving hands of Slick Willie. Possible hitch-up with Senator Cruz during campaign stop in Osceola, Iowa where Cruz was caucusing. Drone captured them leaving Piggly Wiggly store pushing a grocery cart. Observed by drone cuddling each other while toothless old farmer whittled away, oblivious to the fire in the loins of subjects. Reporter Coyote suspects possible fowl play as intermittent cooing was heard.