Last night's Republican debate in Detroit was only half the story. Our intrepid Senior Reporter, Dale Petrie has a nose for news, which fortunately for him was plugged, because to get the real dirt, he hid in the restroom at the Fox Theater. Here is what he observed:
About 10 minutes before the end of last night's Republican debate, I snuck away to the rest room and holed up in a stall with an excellent view of the urinals in hopes that at least one of the Presidential hopefuls would have to relieve himself after yet another lengthy debate. I knew it seemed a bit creepy (talk about toilet journalism), but I am so glad I took that risk, because it paid off beyond my wildest dreams.
After what felt like an eternity, I was ready to throw in the towel, but then I heard the door open and 4 men chatting rather cordially enter the rest room and line up side by side at the urinals. I immediately recognized the men as the 4 remaining Republican Presidential hopefuls. I nearly squealed with delight at my good fortune but kept myself in check as I didn't want to blow my cover. What I observed was a behind the curtain look at the chemistry behind these men who would be kings.
As they're walking to the urinal I hear Kasich say, "That was a long one," to which Rubio immediately replied, "unlike what Mr. Tiny Hands here is packing."
Trump (looking down at Rubio's business), "You should talk. Let me tell ya, I've smoked a LOT of Cubans and believe me, that's the smallest cigar I've ever seen."
Cruz, "I don't know there Donny boy, looks to me like you're packing less heat than anyone here."
Trump, "Well your mother certainly didn't have any complaints, I'll tell you that."
Kasich, "Can't we all just get along?"
Trump, Cruz and Rubio in unison, "who the hell are you?"
Just then, a fifth man walks in, I recognize him as Kenneth Starr, special Prosecutor during the Clinton impeachment.
Starr takes Cruz' place at the urinal and says, "I wouldn't brag so much, none of you has anything on Slick Willie. I have pictures in the case file...they fold out. And there's an extra flap that actually folds down on account of his curvature."
Rubio, "oh my God, guys. Ted just left without washing has hands."
Trump, "no surprise there, just look at him, he looks like the type. He didn't flush either."
Kasich, Rubio and Starr in unison, "ewww!"
Trump, "to quote a great statesman, can you imagine looking at that face for 4 years?"
Kasich, "yeah, I even wanna punch him."
Rubio, "well I know we don't get along, but there's one thing I'm sure we can all agree on."
Trump, "What's that?"
Rubio, "it's a good thing we didn't all end up in the bathroom comparing penises before Carson dropped out."