WASHINGTON, D. C.--The Constitution was found dead last Thursday evening in a back alley, its bullet-ridden body soaked in blood. Suspiciously, article five of the Constitution, which begins, "The Congress, whenever two thirds of both houses shall deem it necessary, shall propose amendments to this Constitution . . . ." had gruesomely been excised or cut off of the still warm body of the revered document when police were called to the crime scene.
At first, police suspected Antonin Scalia, who had long maintained that the Constitution, as a document, was as dead as the people who first wrote it. But when reminded that Antonin Scalia had himself died two weeks before the corpse of the text was found, DC police shifted their suspicion to the last person they had heard make threats against the Constitution, Marco Rubio, who, on February 16, declared, "The Constitution is not a living and breathing document . . . ."
Marco Rubio, however, was cleared after he pointed out that he, on the night the Constitution was murdered, had been at a Republican debate engaging, with Donald Trump, in a back-and-forth exchange of "Yo Mama So Fat" jokes. Given that alibi, the police also cleared Donald Trump as a person of interest, who at any rate, when asked about the crime, replied, "The Constitution? There's a Constitution?"
So the investigation then shifted to Mitch McConnell, who, in spite of article 1, section 2, clause 2 of the Constitution, has decided that clause only applies to Republicans, and that it is perfectly acceptable for the GOP to piss on this revered document by not allowing President Barack Obama even the opportunity to appoint judges to the Supreme Court. The police, however, later declared McConnell was no longer a person of interest, explaining that he is just a cynical old bastard who would say or do anything to advance his long, sordid career in the Senate.
Some conspiracy theorists, however, are now saying it probably was Antonin Scalia who murdered the Constitution, theorizing that the wily old textualist has managed, somehow, to kill off this document he spent his life shitting on--at the expense of women, minorities, gays, and anyone who didn't share his religious beliefs--from the grave.