NEW YORK--Ronald Chump, the alter ego of media-hog Donald Trump, today announced his candidacy for president, saying that he was running for president because all of the other candidates were "low energy" and "losers" and incapable of "making America great again," like it was in the 1980s when Donald Trump was building his empire.
Said Chump of Trump: "Back in the 1980s, when Donald Trump was making his billions and Ronald Reagan was president and greed was good, America was the unparalleled leader of the rest of the world! Those wretched developed and undeveloped nations alike were all losers and low energy!"
"I'm announcing my candidacy today because all the other candidates, including Donald Trump, are either low-energy losers like Ben Carson and Jeb Bush, or loud-mouthed blowhards like that asshat with the bad hair."
"I'm the real deal, not Donald Trump. In fact, I was the ghost writer of The Art of the Deal, with Tony Schwartz; and I'm the one who is going to Make America Great Again, as the title of my most recent book and my website says! I'm also going to single-handedly build that wall between--"
But at this point, Donald Trump's helicopter landed on the stage where Ronald Chump was announcing his candidacy to a cheering crowd of admirers, crushing him to death. Donald Trump stepped out of the helicopter, looked at the mangled body of his alter ego, and scowled "Loser!" before boarding his helicopter for his next campaign event.