DOG'S TICK, AL--At a campaign event in Alabama on Tuesday, Ben Carson announced to an enthusiastic crowd, many of whom were near the top half of their graduating class in high school, that the world is not, as has been maintained since the fifteenth century, round, but flat.
Explained the soft-spoken neurosurgeon who is running for president as a non-politician, "We've been inculcated since the fifteenth century with the silly idea that the world is round. This falsehood, spread by secularists like Copernicus and Galileo who were inspired by Satan, makes no sense whatsoever, from a religious perspective. If the world were indeed round, as our pointy headed scientists like to tell us today, how would God, when the Second Coming arrives, push all of the unsaved off of the edge of the Earth? Obviously, if you look at this question from an Intelligent Design point of view, it only makes sense that the Earth is clearly flat, since rolling millions of the unsaved off of a huge sphere would be very hard to do."
One woman attending the campaign event, in tears, announced to an anchor from FOX News, "I just love this man! Dr. Carson has such a big heart, and he graduated from college, too! And he's not a politician, either, like all those other people running for president."
Another man interviewed by FOX News, who was also wildly enthusiastic about Ben Carson, asked the anchor, "What's 'inculcated' mean?"
Ben Carson on Wednesday of next week is scheduled to appear at a campaign event in Iowa, where he is expected to explain to everyone that the Earth is propped up by a dozen celestial tortoises with wings.