MSM outfits name Trump and Sanders winners and call for speeding up 2016 election

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Friday, 16 October 2015

image for MSM outfits name Trump and Sanders winners and call for speeding up 2016 election
Crowd anticipation high for the upcoming debates

A coalition of mainstream news (MSM) corporations has stepped forward to announce that the 2016 candidates for the presidency are already clear, and it's time to move on.

The candidates are Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders, and the election can proceed expeditiously from this point without further minor players.

New rules have been called for in terms of honest and decent behavior befitting political candidates on the world stage, as well as MSM reporting.

As to contest behavior and exposure to the voting public, a foot race has been declined by Mr. Trump.

Arm wrestling has been ("not at this time") passed over by Mr. Sanders.

Physical contests have received a "pending, not likely" from the Sanders' side.

Intellectual contests a "no thanks" from the Trump side.

Also MSM insisted, the overall intellectual tone and import of discussions between the presidential candidates must strike a high level, relevant to today's politics.

A question such as "Is Snowden a traitor or a hero?" should be pursued repeatedly until it is answered definitively (but in one word only) as either traitor or hero, with no further commentary allowed.

This list should then be extended, again answered with only one word either away, and applied to members of today's political elite such as Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John Boehner, Bibi Netanyahu, Victoria Nuland, Samantha Powers, Paul Ryan, and Josh Earnest.

Expert news moderators will hurl requests for definitions (one minute time limit for answers) to concepts such as--

"communist socialism"
"casino capitalism"
"democratic socialism"
"predatory capitalism"
"good old Yankee style capitalism back to the 19th century."

Mr. Trump's recent depiction of Sanders as "a communist and a maniac" will be allowed to continue, since it plays well to live audiences, and sells the news well also.

Mr. Sanders is expected to respond with statements such as "gasbag full of an ill wind you wouldn't want in your dining room, let alone the White House."

Other permissible remarks include "sniveling pinko fraud from Moscow" and "ego the size of one of his casinos and brain at snake eyes in a crap game."

Additional questions on foreign policy should be limited to 25 word answers, with a gong sounding when that limit is reached.

Particularly significant in foreign policy questioning would be whether to apply the latest techniques in water-boarding to Vladimir Putin when he is captured and brought to Guantanamo for his impending trial as a major deviant to US wishes.

Face-slapping during a nationally televised presidential debate will be limited to a candidate's striking his own cheek only.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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