The field of Democratic presidential hopefuls will face off in their second debate hosted by CBS in one month's time, but thanks to CNN's new predictive model using Bayesian statistics, Markov Chain and a new technique referred to as 'Hyperbole Subterfuge', CNN already knows the winner!
For more than two hours, the candidates will try to make their best impressions before a national audience, but why bother watching when CNN can just tell you who wins?
Here's how they'll do:
Hillary Clinton will prove without a doubt why she is the Democratic Party's presidential front-runner. With $500k in donations from Time Warner and CNN she is in prime position.
CNN analyst and fortune teller Paul Krugman states, "I am under contractual obligation to state Hillary Clinton won the debate."
He then added "Any CNN polls suggesting otherwise are property of CNN and may not be used, reprinted or otherwise distributed without the expressed written consent of CNN."
David Axelrod, CNN senior political commentator and the chief strategist for the Obama campaign that trounced Clinton in 2008, said CNN did "very well" and that her campaign was likely "thrilled with CNN's analysis."
"I recall very well being on a debate stage, I think, about 14 times with then Senator Sanders and 27 with Donald Trump. I do well in all the debates and win the presidency," Clinton declares.
In what came as a surprise to some pundits, Clinton also did not shy away from taking on her chief rival, that what's his name angry fringe socialist who loses the election. "He's weak. I tear out his heart and I eat it." Clinton stated as her drooping jowls trembled with power.
Wow, with support like that how could she not win? Way to go Hillary!
Who is this old man and who let him out of the old home? We're not sure why he's here or who he is, but he's certainly on stage.
He claims to be a 'democratic socialist' but everyone knows a democracy would never elect a socialist. The only time he got applause was when he stopped speaking, the crowd fervently relieved they didn't have to listen to his commie mumbling anymore.
Anderson Cooper couldn't be reached for comment but had the following posted to Twitter,
"Please stop posting support comments for Bernie. We'll just delete them like we did the poll. #deletingYourComments #fixingAnElection #HillaryMyFagHag"
-Anderson Cooper's Twitter
You think you can take on Hillary? O'malley? Webb? Chafee? How do you even say Chafee? Get off the stage you losers.