James Madison Addresses the Nation

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Tuesday, 6 October 2015


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HEAVEN--James Madison, from his final resting place in heaven, today addressed the nation about the barrage of school shootings afflicting the United States. The text of Madison's speech follows:

My fellow Americans,

Many of you know me as one of the Founding Fathers and the fourth President of this great nation. Fewer of you are no doubt familiar with the many contributions I made to the Federalist Papers in 1787-88, in order to convince my countrymen at the time to adopt the Constitution. Some of you may know that, along with my good friend George Mason, I am the author of the first ten amendments to the Constitution, more familiarly now known as the Bill of Rights. Today, I want to address one of those ten amendments, the Second Amendment to the Constitution, which reads: "A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a Free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

In light of the almost monthly reports today of the massacre of young adults and school children across my beloved country, I have to ask those who wish to use the Second Amendment as an excuse to perpetuate such carnage, what the fuck's wrong with you people?

Those of you who know my work well, who've read the Federalist Papers and the Constitution, know that I choose my words carefully. Out of the only twenty-seven words that comprise the Second Amendment, I could have chosen any adjective--like "orderly," "brazen," "unregulated," "disciplined," or "drunken"--to modify the noun "militia." Instead, I chose the word "well-regulated," and now the imbeciles from the NRA, who pretend to have understood my intentions even better than I or my friend George did, have convinced the American public that in those twenty-seven words, "well-regulated" means that any nut anywhere in the United States can go out and purchase just about any kind of killing machine he wants and go to town on a classroom full of first and second graders, along with their courageous teachers.

Again I ask, what the fuck's wrong with you people? Do you have a bit of common sense, or has the gun lobby, and its idiotic spokesperson, Wayne LaPierre, convinced gun owners in the United States that the Second Amendment was intended as an open pass to massacre America's most cherished gift, the young men and women who represent our future?

At this point, I've given up on the leadership of the NRA, who are so obviously in the pocket of the gun lobby in the United States that nothing productive can be achieved by importuning them to make substantive change to our gun laws. But to you, the many millions of men and women who pay your dues to the NRA, how long will you allow this extreme lobbying group to massacre your sons and daughters? Will any of you have the courage--or the compassion--to stand up to this organization which continues to block reasonable, and responsible, gun control legislation?

If that indeed is the lay of the land at this point--if the many men and women who comprise the majority of this organization lack the courage and will to speak out--then, I fear, these massacres of the innocent will continue to be featured, monthly and perhaps even weekly, in your news media and other outlets.

I hope and pray, my fellow citizens, that sanity wins out over extremism in the end.

James Madison, Esq.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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