Written by tprasad23

Saturday, 12 September 2015

image for Newscorp announces a new 24/7 news network, GlockNews, to provide exclusive mass-shooting coverage.

New York, NY: In a statement today, Rupert Murdoch announced a new cable news network to focus solely on event details and aftermath coverage surrounding mass shootings in the United States. A Newscorp spokesman, Ted Trigger said, "The sheer amount of mass shootings in the United States has paved the way for the next stage of cable news coverage: A mass shooting dedicated network."

Many current Fox News subscribers welcome the new addition, viewer Joey Pinter expressed jubilation when saying, "I used to watch the news and see tag lines like, 'Shooter still at large', and I was always thinking…'Was that the one from yesterday? Or maybe the one from last week?… GlockNews quickly gives me the answer.'"

Trigger stated in addition to live mass shooting coverage, the network will interview 2nd amendment supporters, interviews with NRA members and the all around pro-gun community to speak to relevant issues. Trigger followed by saying, "We want the liberal establishment to know the other side, that this is a mental health problem, not a gun problem."

When asked whether the network plans to have experts discuss mental health issues, the linkage of gun ownership & mental instability and their connection to gun-related crime, Trigger curtly replied, "Our time is extremely limited, so it's hard to say. We might have a few shrinks on once in a while."

The network has simultaneously released a companion mobile app, GlockNewsMobile, to provide up-to-date coverage of mass shootings and a powerful search and filter function, to sort through the voluminous amounts of continuous data. Pinter, an early adopter, had only praise to offer, "The best feature is the sort-by-gunman, I can quickly see information all about the shooter, his age, race, you know, stuff like that.. that way I decide on a 'mental health' or 'problem with the community' argument against gun control. It's great."

The app also comes with a "live stream" feature where the user can single tap to broadcast live video as it happens. According to Trigger, the functionality was included to cover the case in which a user of the app happened to be the victim of a mass-shooting themselves.

The broadcast mode also responds to key words to fully elucidate the victim's belief in gun rights, even as the bullets are piercing his skin. The user simply shouts out keywords such as "mental health" or "2nd amendment" and entire posts with fully written arguments are immediately posted to social media, all while the victim is being shot.

Trigger added, "With the sheer number of mass shootings, we had to take this possibility into account, now the individuals being shot can immediately broadcast video, as well make clear to the American public, even though they're being shot, they believe in the right of people to have that ability."

Some have criticized the "auto-post" feature as simply repeating similar arguments over and over, and not truly furthering the discussion. Trigger replied, "How is that different than what occurs currently?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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