Scientists Find the Remains of Homo Moderatus Republicanus in a Parking Lot in Columbus, OH

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Friday, 11 September 2015

image for Scientists Find the Remains of Homo Moderatus Republicanus in a Parking Lot in Columbus, OH
Homo Moderatus Republicanus

Columbus, OH--Archeologists from Ohio State University, in a dig in a parking lot where an Elks Club once stood, announced that they had found the now extinct, but once fairly common, remains of a species they are calling Homo Moderatus Republicanus.

All that remained of the Homo Moderatus Republicanus specimen, which the lead archeologist of the dig, Dr. Cynthia Reynolds, is calling "Moderate" for short, was the skull, part of the rib cage, the spine, part of a humerus or arm bone, some phalanges from the fingers, and a femur, or thigh bone. A Nixon Now button was also found near the rib cage.

Dr. Reynolds was not surprised by the discovery, though she is glad to have found a specimen that is still relatively intact. She explained: "Before the Paleo Conservative Revolution, or the Reagan Era, moderate Republicans were fairly common in this area and, indeed, throughout the entire Ohio Valley region. But beginning in the 1990's, when the Republican Party began to veer to the far right, a great many members of Homo Moderatus Republicanus were either consumed or ostracized and left to die by the growing population of the more successful, and now dominant, Homo Rabidus Republicanus."

Dr. Reynolds explained that the specimen of Moderate is, in many ways, similar to the bone structure and physiology of Homo Rabidus Republicanus, except for two major differences: "The jaw structure was somewhat smaller in Moderate, suggesting that members of this species weren't perhaps quite as vocal as their modern descendants. Also, the skull or brain case of Moderate was considerably larger than Rabidus, measuring almost 1400 cubic centimeters, to Rabidus' smaller brain, which measures about 1000 cubic centimeters."

Asked what Dr. Reynolds plans to do with the new discovery, once she and her fellow archeologists at the dig have thoroughly studied the specimen, she replied, "We're not sure yet. We may want to give it to the Smithsonian to put on view for the American people, but--since Republicans in Congress are again thinking of cutting the budget to the Smithsonian if the government shuts down this fall--that may not be an option. If that's the case, we'll give the specimen a proper burial, like all the Moderates in the Republican Party. David Eisenhower, the grandson of Dwight D. Eisenhower and Public Policy Fellow at the University of Pennsylvania, has said he might be interested in delivering a eulogy for the deceased."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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