(Adjacent News) WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Republican Party, responding to the powerful MAGA majority of its base (which assures the GOP establishment that it knows the original intent of the founding fathers even more than the founders themselves could have known it at the time), has rewritten the U. S. Constitution, to reflect the reality, for white Republicans, of today’s increasingly diverse, scary political and demographic landscape.
Here are some excerpts from the newly revised Constitution:
“Congress shall only make laws respecting the establishment of Christianity, and prohibiting the free exercise of Islam, Wiccan, Buddhism, Atheism, etc. ; and Congress shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, unless such speech represents the Critical Race Theory or any Progressive Cause, such as speaking out against Israel for war crimes; and it will allow mobs peaceably to assemble, fully armed, to overthrow the government for a redress of their specific grievances, as it tried to do in 2021 by attempting to violently overturn a legitimate election..
A self-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of states like Texas and Arizona that are scared shitless by people of color in their communities, shall bear as many guns as they shall deem necessary to arm themselves against their enemies, real but mostly imagined.
The right of white people to be secure in their persons, houses, cars, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated. As for all other Americans—especially from what the President once called “shithole nations”—ICE will be paying you a visit soon!
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted—excepting lethal injection, asphyxiation, electrocution, or firing squad.
All white persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of white citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any white person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any white person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, unless “people” is construed to mean Hispanic, African-American, Asian, Native American, or a gay or transgender person of any ethnicity.
The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex, on the condition that wives confer with their husbands, rabbis, pastors, or priests before entering the voting booth.
In addition to amending earlier Amendments to the Constitution (pursuant to Article 5 of the Constitution, which, newly amended, reads, “We can amend the Constitution whenever the hell we feel like it”), the Republicans want to add a brand new Amendment to the Constitution. The Twentieth-eighth Amendment will read, when passed, “Women shall have the God-given duty, should they attempt to exercise their reproductive freedom to have an abortion, to give birth in any and all circumstances, including endangerment to either the post-born or the woman giving birth, as our merciful Lord intended.
A Constitutional Convention, presided over by the eminent constitutional scholar Donald J. Trump, who will be aided by the Rev. Franklin Graham and Viktor Orbán, will be convened in Huston, Texas in 2026 to revise a document which, by the lights of the current Neo-Fasci—er, Republican Party-- is sorely out of date.
