Technological home breakthrough

Written by galgar

Saturday, 2 May 2015

Havvanna Stairlifts have just announced their latest innovation for the modern home with elderly relatives living in. A built in commode for the stairlift to save those poor old crumblies the inconvenience of going to the bathroom and pissing all over the floor, or even worse.

It's all done on the move and called the Crappisseat. It has an automated arse wiper to help those with twisted arthritic fingers. No more stinky stained fingers after puncturing that wonderful supersoft toilet tissue. The seat also has a manually operated suppository laxative dispenser for those unfortunate enough to be suffering from chronic constipation.

After the laxative is dispensed, the system goes into auto mode, locking your dear old crunblie firmly into the seat for three full journeys, by which time the laxative will have taken effect and a successful bowel evacuation will have taken place.

The septic tank holds three full gallons of crap, and the water tank enough liquid for five full flushes. Automatic disposal of contents and refilling of the water tank will take place at the ground floor position when the septic tank is full, and the seat vacated.

The system is guaranteed for twenty five years and is odourless and foolproof. To prove a point, Neil Kinnock is to give his illustrious seal of approval and a short demonstration at labour party headquarters on the sixth of May.

The colonic irrigation model will be launched early next year after exhausting test are completed and a modification kit to for this years model will be available at a modest cost, to be announced.

We wish to stress that the discrete electrocution kits currently on sale in the USA will not fit any of our models, current or future. So you can forget all about accidentally electrocuting your poor old crumblies for the insurance money.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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