Baltimore Cops Use Flash Mob Tactics

Funny story written by Paul Blake

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

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Baltimore Office Jim Priskers Surprises Rioters

Baltimore, MD - In a sneaky and cunning display of police tactical maneuvers, the Baltimore Police Department have implemented new and creative ways to round up would-be rioters. Several dozen officers were dressed up and placed around the downtown area in very casual and relaxed postures. Then, when the rioting started, the police started their impromptu dance routine.

"I was stunned," said Max Driscoll. "One minute, I'm tryin' to chuck a trash can through a Walgreen's front window, next minute, I got an undercover cop doin' the goddamn shimmy-shake beside me who just starts crackin' my skull! That's totally unfair!"

Officer Jim Priskers, dressed in Brazilian Carnival drag, explains, "Yeah, ever since we got a super-gay police chief, we've been trying these "Flash Mob" arrest tactics, which work really well. Except, I hate that we never get to finish the entire routine, ya know? We always get just a few steps in, and then its time to start crackin' skulls already. Really, I don't know why I practice so damn hard. My feet are killing me!"

"Man, they sure had me fooled!" said Vanessa Earnst, who thought the dancing was meant to quell the violence before it started, like the drum parade had in the evenings preceding this. "Then, just as I was getting into it -Whammo! I got an ear full of billy-club," she said. "You know what the funny thing was? A couple of the cops who beat on us really wanted us to see the end of their dance so bad, that they performed it for us right outside our jail cell. They were really pretty good, too. Except for the jazz-hands part at the end - which comes with a face full of pepper-spray."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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