Atomic Bomb Ends Conflict in Baltimore

Funny story written by rweissba

Thursday, 30 April 2015

Out of an abundance of caution, a nuclear weapon was detonated in Baltimore after days of angry protests and riots crippled the city and damaged several properties. Working together, the local police and National Guard decided an atomic bomb was the most sensible way to clear the area without unnecessarily putting law enforcement officers at risk.

Police Chief Anthony Batts stated, "It's a volatile situation. There's a lot of anger, looting, bricks and bottles being thrown." When asked if a 30-megaton bomb was appropriate, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake of (now former) Baltimore stood her ground. "We're dealing with thugs who don't care about Baltimore and have put innocent people at risk in the streets. Complete and utter destruction of the city was the only option."

As the mushroom cloud rose there was a bittersweet realization that through the glowing ashes of the crater where Baltimore once stood, a new city would one day rise, untroubled by poverty, racism or systematic police oppression. Scientists estimate that radiation levels will recede in 150-200 years, and that racial tensions should decrease to tolerable levels shortly after that.

Planners foresee much less potential for conflict in the future New Baltimore, as prior to the detonation all white people were safely evacuated.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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