Ted Cruz Hopes Early Campaign Entry Will Divert Voters' Attention from More Important Issues, like Legitimate Candidates and Serious Domestic Problems

Funny story written by KRS

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

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Ted Cruz

Rafael Edward Cruz, a first-term Senator from Texas, dispensing with any exploratory phase for his Presidential aspirations, delivered a formal speech during the weekly convocation at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia yesterday.

The Baptist institution founded by the Rev. Jerry Falwell Sr. has served as a conservative launching pad for many Republican politicians. Cruz operatives called the school last week, demanding use of the venue to embark on his overzealous and absurdly ridiculous attempt to secure the Republican nomination for the 2016 Presidential race.

Mr. Cruz, himself Canadian born and son of a Baptist (SOB) minister, arranged his announcement just days ago, effectively bumping Gov. Terry McAuliffe of Virginia, who was scheduled to speak, according to The Liberty Champion, the student newspaper.

"I got the call last week," Jerry Falwell Jr., the university's president, told the paper.

"Clearly his path here is to build a coalition of tea partyers and evangelicals," Matthew N. Strawn, a former Iowa Republican chairman who is not supporting any candidate, said of Mr. Cruz. "His ceiling is going to be determined by how much of a share he can get from those groups, who amount to roughly 40 percent of the caucus electorate."

Conventional political wisdom estimates this "ceiling" to be somewhere around 50%... of possibly 20% of the total Republicans, firmly capturing 10% of the party's support. Another way of stating the calculation; Ted Cruz is roughly as popular as crab lice, but substantially more desirable than the human papilloma virus and global warming prognosticators.

"It's the shiny object principle. He wants to be first in line at the Adelson-Koch Brothers trough," as anonymously reported to me by a long time Republican strategist.

As the first officially declared candidate, the Texas senator, facile in the Donald Trump/Kim Kardashian/Paris Hilton methodology of vacuous self-promotion, told his captive audience of mandated attendees (school officials threatened circumcision and expulsion), "I have selected Glenn Beck as my Vice-Presidential running mate and Cindy Crawford as my official White House interior decorator. I have also negotiated renaming the Washington Obelisk, the Charles & David Koch Shaft, for a one-time fee of $50,000,000.00. I have a three point fiscal plan that can balance the budget and reduce our national debt by 25% in my first four years, simply by selling the naming rights to national parks, aircraft, submarines, ballistic missile silos and satellites, without touching the Lincoln Memorial - he was a Republican too. Liberty today, liberty tomorrow and Liberty Valance!"

Cruz, infamous for generating intense heat, devoid of illumination, hopes to dominate the political discourse and dissonance by the preemptive declaration, according to Washington know-nothing, talking heads. By staking out the extremely fascist, flat earth wing of the Republican Party, Senator Cruz's strategy is to leave little ground for obnoxious plagiarist, Rand Paul to call his own. In launching his campaign from an evangelical sanctum, Cruz also believes he can deliver early knock-out punches to former Gov. Mike Huckabee, Harold Camping, the Ayatollah Khomeini, Rand Paul, Ron Paul, Peter Paul, Pauli Shore and Nostradamus.

Advocating a platform of a return to the international defense posture advocated by Air Force General Curtis LeMay, restoring traditional family values as outlined by former V.P. Spiro T. Agnew and a flat tax for everyone except campaign donors - the proverbial Republican "three legged stool," Cruz is seeking to appeal to the segment of Republican primary voters that do not read (but are allegedly capable), have no recollection of or interest in history, and generally embrace any demagogue willing to throw rocks at anyone elected to higher office, even when the pedant is one who holds such a position himself and has contributed nothing to the country he is seeking to govern.

Most Republicans have an infatuation with the number three, but Gov. Rick Perry can only remember two elements at a time. Lest we forget the words of that great American chess prodigy, Bobby Fisher; "I only think ahead one move at a time, but it is always the best available from all the possible permutations." So, the door remains open to Perry.

Political junkies and enthusiasts are anticipating one of most entertaining Presidential donnybrooks in decades, with a cast of potential wannabes joining Cruz, such as Rick Perry, Rand Paul, Mike Huckabee, Chris Christie, Jeb Bush and we can never rule out Donald Trump unless bankruptcy is not available. And we thought nothing could equal March Madness! Personally, I would like to entice Ted Yoho into the fray to add to the frivolity. Who needs serious debate? Certainly not the Americans that could never get enough of Vice President Dan Quayle's ritual mumbo-jumbo recitations of family values.

Let the games begin… popcorn, anyone? It should be like a sixteen month long "Roadrunner" cartoon, but with only Wile E. Coyote clones and no beep-beeps.

"If you cannot afford a doctor, go to the airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam and if you mention AL Qaeda, they'll thrown in a free colonoscopy!" Sen. Ted Cruz

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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