Beaverview, Washington -- Al Qaeda is turning the wholesome apple into a Weapon of Mass Destruction.
Using the ice machine from a hijacked Malaysian airliner and a hotwired PlayStation, the terror group has created a generically modified apple that instantly spoils any food with which it comes in contact.
"This makes fruit moot as a nutritional ally in the war on terror," said Wilbur Heisler, director of the FDA's Sliceable Edibles Division. "That's why we're acting decisively to nip this in the generically modified bud."
To fully protect the American public, the federal government has outlawed the sale, possession and consumption of all fruits and vegetables until further notice.
The ban has already led to several tragic confrontations between the public (which the government now officially refers to as "the unruly mob") and the police:
In Craftville, Arkansas, a local SWAT team obliterated a group of vegans who were trying to get a deal on juice extractor. The juicer turned out not to be loaded.
In San Francisco, 47 pastry chefs penned a letter that challenged the ban. They were subsequently "baked in a pie" by the National Security Agency.
General Motors pointed to its "apple pie and Chevrolet" commercials, noting that the FDA might be better off banning croissants and Peugeots. The observation was deemed a hate crime by the Supreme Court, which sentenced GM's board of directors to three years in Guantánamo. "There, they will become the water board of directors," chuckled Chief Justice John Roberts.
How did the toxic apples enter America's food supply? Unnamed sources say Al Qaeda distributed the fruit under its Death to America™ brand through supermarket produce departments nationwide.
Asked why the government didn't spot the threat sooner, Mel Kamish, Homeland Security's Chief Strategist, declared: "Our mission is to rifle through people's luggage. When we find a snack, we put it back. So any nutritional question needs to be addressed by the Food and Drug Administration."
The FDA's Heisler had no further comment, citing his agency's strict policy against talking with your mouth full.