Ted Cruz Addresses the "Two Americas"

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Friday, 20 March 2015

image for Ted Cruz Addresses the "Two Americas"
Where the "Other America" Is Forced to Vacation

HOUSTON, TX--Aspiring presidential candidate and Tea Party darling Ted Cruz has taken a page from left-leaning populist and one-time presidential candidate John Edwards, to draw attention to what he is calling the "two Americas," comprising, in his view, the rich and the even richer. The Senator from Texas would like to meliorate this disparity, as he explains in the following excerpts from his "Two Americas" stump speech:

"As we approach the year of our Lord 2016, I want to draw attention to the two Americas: the America of the privileged and the wealthy in this great country, and the America of those the privileged and wealthy aspire to: The one percent, who, through tax shelters and the luck of being born with a silver spoon in their mouths, own only forty percent of our nation's wealth. I am concerned about the difference in the Ivy League schools the less rich send their children to, the difference in the offshore accounts they hide their money in, the difference in their opportunity to squeeze what Ayn Rand calls the American mooching, or middle class, for all they are worth . . . .

"Today . . . we see even a harsher example of two Americas. We see the hardworking wealthy of Los Angeles who can't afford to replace their 2012 Rolls-Royce Phantom Coupe and can barely afford their yearly vacation to Isla de sa Ferradura in Spain. We see the suffering of families who can barely afford to pay their death tax and still maintain the luxurious lifestyles they are entitled to in this great nation . . . .

"Furthermore, we shouldn't have two public school systems in this country: one for the most affluent among us, and one for those who aspire to be a part of the most affluent among us. Oh hell, why have a public school system at all? Who needs it anyway? Let's let the invisible hand of the market decide who should receive a quality education and who shouldn't in this country. That worked pretty well for our Founding Fathers, right? And who needs a college degree to stock shelves at Kroger's or ring up sales at Walmart's?"

"Finally, let's allow the invisible hand of the--" But at this point Ted Cruz's speech ended, as the stage he was standing on, built by members of the Local United Brotherhood of Carpenters, collapsed, impaling the Senator in one of two orifices from which he made his living.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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