Building upon the great success of Starbucks' Race Together campaign, a rival coffee house has unveiled their new concept of "Defend Your Position".
"What we found out very quickly is that people already have very set opinions on a great many subjects, and challenging their established point of view caused a lot of negative response." CEO of Schmuck's Coffee Harry Schmuck explained.
"We immediately responded by evolving the concept a little, and came up with "Defend Your Position" and it has proven to be a very popular with our clientele. The basic concept of "Defend Your Position" is to encourage people to express their own beliefs, and defend them against people who disagree with them. Also, by expanding it beyond race issues we have opened the whole thing up to a wide array of popular talking points."
Popular Florida Pastor, Terry Jones expressed excitement over the unique opportunity to express his beliefs in what had previously just been a quick morning caffeine fill-up, "Why, just the other day I found out that the guy I have been politely saying good morning to every day in line was gay. This "Defend Your Position" campaign gave me the opening I needed to tell this gay to straighten up or prepare to rot in hell for eternity. It was very liberating to have a new public venue to express my beliefs."
Presidential hopeful Senator Ted Cruz of Texas expressed delight at the new opportunity to change the hearts and mind of his constituents, "Just the other day I found out that there were some liberal pansies in line with me. I yelled at them "how can you hate guns but love killing babies you commie sympathizers?" It was great!"
Santa Claus also got in on the action, "I was in line, and some guy started telling me how I wasn't real, and that it was a crime to feed little children lies like that. I just turned around, started him dead in the face and told him that I am absolutely real. I also explained that we now respect the value of coal and have replaced it in bad kids' stalkings with the deer feces that we collect and store throughout the year."
Schmuck defended the idea explaining that its just another way to help people wake up in the morning, "If there's one thing that gets the blood flowing more than a little hit of caffeine its the opportunity to participate in a spirited debate. As anyone who has ever read a comments board on any news article on the internet knows most people have very fixed beliefs on almost every subject you can imagine. They also seem to fancy themselves experts on these subjects despite only some position confirming conjecture to hang their ego boosting claptrap on. We have just tapped into that natural instinctual defense mechanism to never be wrong to let people know that we understand their needs, and hope to enhance their every day life by making belief affirming debate a part of their morning ritual."
Barista, Evelyn Hall was asked her opinion on the new campaign, "What's more American than encouraging people to express their personal beliefs? I think it's very brave to offer the general public a designated location to spout off their individuality, and correctness to the rest of the world."
Hall concluded by adding, "What's that old quote, "I Disagree with everything you say, but think you should be allowed to fight to the death with anyone that disagrees with you." Yeah, I think that's how that goes."