Across the nation, four GOP presidential hopefuls drowned this week while testing the waters for the 2016 presidential run.
Mitt Romney, according to nearby witnesses, drowned outside his residence in San Diego, CA, while taking a morning dip in the nearby Pacific Ocean. One EMT who arrived, too late, at the scene, reported, "Apparently, Gov. Romney was so weighted down with detritus from his last two presidential runs that, once he got about forty-seven feet into the water, he sank like a rock."
Presidential hopefuls Rand Paul and Scott Walker, both of whom were attending a conference entitled "Moochers and Takers: A Free Market Final Solution" at the Ayn Rand Institute in Irvine, CA, apparently drowned each other in a swimming pool at the luxury hotel they were both staying at. Said Leonard Peikoff, the Objectivist philosopher who was hosting the conference at the Ayn Rand Institute, "About the altercation between Sen. Rand and Gov. Walker, I'll just quote my mentor Ayn Rand here: 'The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.'"
The other presidential hopeful to drown this week, Marco Rubio, heroically swam out to a boatload of immigrants from Cuba to try to talk them into turning around, but the Cubans on the boat reportedly drowned Sen. Rubio before continuing on their way to Florida.
Presidential hopefuls Chris Christie, Mike Huckabee, and Jeb Bush are expected to attend the funerals of the four deceased presidential hopefuls next week. Former Gov. Jeb Bush, aids say, is expected to deliver the eulogy for Mitt Romney.
