2015 GOP Platform Has Been Completed

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

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The GOP platform that will be ratified by the 2016 Presidential Nominating Convention is now complete. Since the last convention, selected Congressional Republicans and State Party Chairs have been diligently working. According to insider reports, these are its major points:

1. We stand for the principles of torture, particularly rectal hydration.

2. We believe that rich donors should dramatically expand campaign contributions in order to control the political system.

3. We stand for the right of citizens, sane or not, to own military assault weapons, such as the AK 47, and affirm that guns should be carried into bars, churches, and schools.

4. We believe that the idea of human made climate change is a hoax and a conspiracy and that the God who dwells above the earth controls the climate.

5. We affirm that access to medical care is not a human right and government healthcare is socialism. If this concept leads to suffering and death, praying to God, who is a Christian and a Republican, can offer help to those involved.

6. We believe that the US taxpayer should bail out banks if their risky, casino-like "derivatives" and other questionable financial instruments should cause them to face closure.. The cost of the bail out does not matter if the banks are too big to fail.

7. We advocate putting back as many troops is as necessary into Iraq interfere in its civil war. Too, the U.S. should stay in Afghanistan forever to sustain its corrupt narco-state.

8. We note with regret that it is not the role of government to assist the 17.6 million households in the U.S. are food insecure but are pleased that the government agencies, under our urging, have banned the word "hunger" to describe these millions.

9. We acknowledge that America is now in its "Second Guilded Age," where the top 1% of the population have just as huge a share of the nation's wealth as 100 years ago. Rising inequality is indeed a problem and the solutions are to lower taxes on both corporations and the wealthy and also to subsidize big oil companies.

10. We note that there is consensus across the political spectrum that the U.S. absolutely needs to repair and modernize its crumbling infrastructure. However there are no funds for this, as the U.S. must continue to war in the Middle East and achieve great victories like the Bush-Cheney wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, 3no matter the cost to the treasury.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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