Written by Keith Shirey

Friday, 12 December 2014

image for GOP Defends Torture

The GOP today released a statement in support of "enhanced interrogation" otherwise know as torture used by the CIA. The first six points the republicans use in their support are the most significant arguments and are presented here:

1) Just as rapes are either illegitimate or legitimate, there is legitimate or illegitimate torture. When the U.S. tortures that makes it legitimate.

2) There are no universal human values. For example, whether rape and child molestation is wrong is a matter of personal opinion. The same is true of torture. Terms like "human depravity" are meaningless because everything in matters of ethics are just expressions unprovable personal prejudices.

3) The "ends justify the means" even when the ends are destroyed by the means. It is our position that the human degradation and brutal savagery involved in torture, as means to the end of preserving American values, do not influence or are not intertwined with the United States' standing as the most awesome moral nation on earth.

4) Although the U.S. signed Article 7 of the Convention Against Torture, which requires the U.S. to prosecute those found within its borders that torture, it was done by the Reagan administration in 1988. Today's GOP believes that President Reagan was not a true conservative and therefore his treaty obligations are null and void.

5) We commend the American Psychological Association for encouraging psychologists to be involved in CIA interrogations when their torture program was at its peak. Along with the CIA torturers, the psychologists involved with them are the true American heroes and patriots. They are part of the new "America's Greatest Generation."

6) The debate about torture must center on the issue of whether it is effective. Even though the U.S. would have rejected as being absurd, the belief that "effectiveness" was the basic standard upon which to judge Nazi, Japanese, and North Korean war criminals, it should be the accepted criterion for judging CIA torture. To those who say that the GOP is operating on a double standard we say that they are not true Americans and are soft on terrorism.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
89 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more