New Study Shows Blood of Newborn Babies Is Harmful to Health and the Environment

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Monday, 7 July 2014

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CCRC's report on the negative effects of newborn babies' blood has given babies everywhere something to smile about!

Breaking research from the public interest group Consumers Committee for Responsible Consumption (CCRC) shows that the blood of newborn babies, long-touted for its high iron content and other supposed health benefits, is actually detrimental not only to human health, but also to the environment.

The news has created quite a stir among health-conscious and environmentally concerned Americans. Common wisdom had previously held that, when produced in limited quantities by local merchants who extracted blood from newborn babies under the most humane conditions possible, newborn babies' blood could be produced sustainably. Not so, says CCRC.

"The methane produced by billions of tiny babies, together with the runoff of bodily waste and the chemicals used to purify the raw babies' blood, are devastating to our environment," asserts the CCRC report. "The methane is a significant contributor to greenhouse gas emissions, and the waste runoff contaminates public water supplies."

The CCRC report concludes with the bold statement that no one who considers himself an environmentalist can in good conscience consume newborn babies' blood.

As for its effect on human health, CCRC's research demonstrates, beyond any reasonable doubt, that newborn babies' blood elevates blood pressure and cholesterol levels, increases risk of heart disease, cancer, and diabetes, and decreases overall life span.

In short, states the report, "Newborn babies' blood may offer short-term benefits in the form of brief energy boosts and fleeting sensory gratification, but its long-term effects are entirely negative."

Two-time New York City marathon finisher Kim Hall says the CCRC report has given her a lot to think about.

"Newborn babies' blood has been a staple of my diet for years," recounts Hall, who began drinking it years ago in the hopes of avoiding anemia, which runs in her family. "I thought it was doing something good for my health."

Kim says that now that she knows that newborn babies' blood is not helping her health and may even be hurting it, she plans to drink it less often.

"It will be an occasional treat, rather than a regular thing."

The news about newborn babies' blood is also shaking things up at local restaurants. Says Keith LaMontagne, owner of The Bistro in Manhattan's West Village, "We consider ourselves socially responsible and are eager to leave a low carbon footprint. We thought we were doing that by purchasing our newborn babies' blood only through local family-owned organizations. We may have to rethink our liquid menu offerings."

Josh Bartlett, who works for a company that researches the disproportionate impact of climate change on underprivileged communities, has taken the CCRC report very much to heart. He says that for him, as someone concerned about global warming, giving up newborn babies' blood was a "no-brainer."

"I care about our planet," explains Josh. "I'm not going to be a hypocrite and continue consuming something that directly harms our earth. I just wouldn't feel good about that."

CCRC spokesperson Bonnie Goodman acknowledges that, unlike Josh, many Americans may not be willing to make such a drastic change to their diets, even if doing so would benefit their health and the environment.

"We understand if people aren't willing to give up newborn babies' blood altogether," says Goodman. "But we do hope they'll at least consider cutting back."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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