Morning News Shows Feature New Tally: The Weekly Domestic Body Count

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Monday, 26 May 2014

image for Morning News Shows Feature New Tally: The Weekly Domestic Body Count
"There was a toddler by the name of Bert / And Bert the toddler was very alert."

In response to the almost weekly reports of mass shootings across the US, many morning news shows are now including, among their morning segments, a weekly domestic body count of the number of victims lost to gun violence across the country.

Now, in addition to the daily news round-up and the light banter that often characterizes these morning shows, a weekly body count, to be featured on Thursdays for most of the shows, will be squeezed in between the segments that feature the weather, current health concerns, international politics, hard hitting pieces about the dangers of using too much or too little sunscreen, and the usual celebrity gossip that animates many Americans' mornings.

Said one program director who chose to remain anonymous, "Some might see these body counts as kind of a downer for a morning news show, but we want parents not to have to wonder if their son or daughter was one of the victims of the mass shooting that might have occurred the night before at their local multiplex. We want to present our viewers with up-to-date 'News They Can Use'!"

Explained Michaela Pereira, of CNN's morning show New Day, "Finding out that your son or daughter was massacred the night before by a crazed gunman at your local community college can put a real damper on your day, which is why we here at New Day plan to follow up our weekly body counts with our daily feature 'The Good Stuff,' about the ordinary, positive people who did something that somebody somewhere should have noticed."

Wayne LaPierre, CEO and Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association, says he has real doubts about including weekly body counts on morning news shows. Said LaPierre about the weekly body counts, "We at the NRA firmly believe that guns don't kill people. Crazy fucks with easy access to guns kill people; and we know, as long as the NRA has the US Congress in its pocket, that that isn't going to change any time soon! He he!"

However, the NRA is expected to air a public service announcement about what to do when a crazed gunman opens up fire with a semi-automatic assault rifle at a local school system, to be sung to the familiar 1950s jingle "Duck and Cover":

There was a toddler by the name of Bert
And Bert the toddler was very alert
When danger threatened him he hardly ever got hurt
He knew just what to do

He'd duck and cower, duck and cower
He'd hide his head and torso and two little feet
He'd duck and cower!

He hid beneath his little desk until the coast was clear
Then one by one his head and torso and legs would reappear
By acting calm and cool he stayed alive
(Unlike his fellow classmates who were dead.)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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