Wisconsin OKs Voter Fraud Deadly Force

Funny story written by Cool Papa Bell

Thursday, 17 April 2014

A new "Stand Your Election Ground" law authorizes polling place observers in Wisconsin to use deadly force if they feel there is a threat of voter fraud.

Republican Governor Scott Walker signed the law today. It allows "well-meaning, heavily-armed concerned citizens with at least 10 minutes of firearms training" to stand just three feet away from voters as they give their personal information to election officials at a voting location, and to challenge a voter if necessary.

"If some nutjob says, 'Hi I'm Frank Cheesehead, a Democrat from Green Bay,' we know there's a threat of voter fraud. Instead of holding up lines while this guy goes through a series of lies about his ID, our observers are permitted to shoot to kill," said Walker.

The governor said the observers are allowed to try to subdue a suspect if he seems harmless, such as a 13-year-old middle school student who has confused the real voting process with his school's mock election.

"Probably should try to keep the bloodshed to a minimum in cases like that, unless he struggles and is wearing a hoodie," said Walker.

Opponents have said the new law amounts to voter intimidation and is just another example of the GOP trying to keep people away from the polls who likely wouldn't be voting Republican.

The measure might seem extreme, but Walker believes voter fraud presents one of the greatest threats to our democracy.

"It's right up there with Communism, Socialism, Kenyanism, Muslimism, Obamaism and encouraging minorities and the poor to vote," said Walker. "It's not like we're just going out and authorizing the use of hired guns, like we would if someone in a SUV was playing loud rap music at a gas station where my chauffeur was filling up my limo."

He added his office will be accepting recommendations from county political parties throughout the state on who should serve as voting observers. He will select those he believes are most qualified, "as long as they agree to be waterboarded to determine who they voted for in the last presidential and gubernatorial elections."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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