Evangelicals regret being such dicks towards Clinton

Written by Jen A. Taylia

Monday, 6 November 2006

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Who would have believed this man was gay?

As the world looks on for signs of hypocrisy in the aftermath of the Ted Haggard scandal, many church leaders regret the dickish "holier-than-thou" attitude adopted towards Bill Clinton's lesser indiscretions.

A secret internal memo circulated by the National Association of Evangelicals (NAE), warns clergy of the need to tone down loving support for Pastor Ted for fear that the churches unrelenting hypocrisy might become common knowledge.

"Clearly after gleefully stirring up the nation against the President for a few harmless blow-jobs, we must be very careful about our public stance on a meth head Pastor involved in sodomy."

Banned phrases include: "Hate the sin, not the sinner", "he's only human", "we must forgive".

James Dobson, founder of the organization "Focus on the Family" has been consulted on damage control. Dobson, known as the Karl Rove of the Christian world, has suggested a new strategy that churches should give the appearance of adopting.

Entitled "Focus on our OWN damn Family", it is a radical departure from the outward looking supercilious judgemental priggishness encouraged by the church to date.

It encourages congregations to look inwardly at themselves individually and as a whole and ask difficult questions like, "Am I doing the best I can for Jesus?", "Am I holding back my spiritual power?", "Am I a dirty fag?"

Whether or not this will bring back any semblance of credibility is yet to be seen. In the mean time, the NAE encourage all clergy to continue the good work and fight the good fight, but at all costs avoid getting caught buying meth from gay prostitutes.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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