Written by John Langlois

Tuesday, 18 July 2006

image for Fundamentalists Announce New Profanity Campaign in Support of Bush
"Screw'em for God" Campaign Ignites

St. Petersburg - Following President Bush's timely use of the "sh*t" word in discussing international strategy with Tony Blair, Christian fundamentalists announced a new campaign to promote profanity to get the job done.

"We have been "pussyfooting" with these damn terrorists for too long," said Pat Robertson, spokesman for CBN. "If a few hells and damns will get the job done, then we have to do what we damn well have to do."

When asked what words were off limits, Robertson said, "Who gives a "f*ck"?"

"All this time we have been wasting money, shooting guns and getting our soldiers killed when all we really needed was to look them squarely in the eye and say, "Your momma can kiss my ass!" or something like that."

Congress immediately sprang into action by authorizing a Kurt Vonnegut novel for each soldier.

"That guy swears better than a nun working in a brothel. We got to get this out there for our boys," said a Republican congressman.

Surprisingly, it was the nation's librarians that went into shock over the new policy.

"We have all these porn and profanity filters in place to censor things and now we won't be able to keep up with any new government publications," one noted.

"And what are we supposed to do about all that spying we were asked to do for the government.? Do they now want to know who DOESN'T swear?"

Not wanting to be left out of the media opportunity, the Vatican issued a list of words whose use now entails a "pre-forgiveness" feature.

"We don't need the confessionals over run with people who were only trying to do their patriotic duty. So, we are letting the faithful know that they have some latitude," a spokesman noted.

Questioned further, he said, "We have enough crap to deal with already, OK?, Jeeez." The spokesman then delivered a list of approved profanities that includes the following:

1). Any of the words on George Carlin's list from 1968.
2). Blasphemous expressions designed to solicit holy rage in the enemy.
3). All bodily functions.

Excluded from the pre-forgiveness lists were any words that might imply approval of gay priests or birth control.

Seemingly moved by this display, President Bush said, "Why hell, if I had known everybody wasn't scared of my potty mouth, I could've been a lot more entertaining, instead of coming off like some dense, frat boy geek."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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