Written by Chris Hanson

Sunday, 29 October 2006

image for Lindsay Lohan Naked Is Mum On Ex-Rep. Foley's Addiction to Phonics
My brain was so addled with refined sugars that I was a zombie for most of my life

Former Rep. Mark Foley yesterday added "Hooked on Phonics" to his list of admitted addictions, along with Hostess Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Big Hunks, and reruns of the TV sitcom "Different Strokes."

"I continue to take full responsibility for my actions, even though I am an alcoholic, I was sexually abused as a child, and my brain was so addled with refined sugars that I was a zombie for most of my life," he told reporters at a press conference.

The Florida Republican said he had entered a Palm Beach rehabilitation program that required him to eat only such healthy foods as steamed cauliflower, to use only the "sight method" in reading.

"I'm going to miss sounding out hard words," he said.

Foley said he was undergoing "aversion therapy" to extinguish his addictions to sweets and to "Different Strokes," a popular sitcom of the 1980s starring Gary Coleman.

Exposure of Foley's intimate e-mails to underage congressional pages forced his resignation in early October and might swing key House seats to Democrats in the coming elections.

Actress Lindsay Lohan had no comment. She was not naked.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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