Senator on Panel Says NSA is Sex Obsessed

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Friday, 13 December 2013


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Whistleblower Edward Snowden's revelations about widespread surveillance conducted by the NSA confirm many people's worst fears: once-lauded principles of American democracy are in jeopardy. All U.S. citizens are all being constantly tracked, monitored and surveilled.

A Senate hearing was held yesterday to consider modifying the mandate under with the NSA operates. At a Senate hearing yesterday, the two-faced James Clapper, director of the NSA, and one who has been repeatedly caught lying repeatedly to congress about NSA activities, spoke to a Senate panel. He repeatedly clashed with senators who wanted to bring the agency under control.

"Your committee wants to reform what you call NSA excesses. I'm here to tell you that there are no excesses. There are no viable ways to change anything about the program," Clapper told the senate panel.

But Senator Karl Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) said to Clapper, "You lied to congress about about NSA surveillance thwarting 54 terror plots. And you admitted it. You have no credibility here. Why should we believe anything you have to say Mr. Director?

"I repeat, here are no excesses in NSA activity and, in your public statement Senator you have attacked the integrity of the Agency," responded Clapper.

Senator Leahy retorted, "Mr. Clapper you monitor the U.S. with one-half a million people who are private contractors like Edward Snowden. You don't control them. You don't know if they have integrity. They have access to data from cell phones, the internet, e-mails, private telephone conversations on all of our citizens."

Senator Al Franken, (D-Minnesota) Told Clapper that the NSA employees had, at least 3 dozen times, spied on their love interests, hundreds of times viewed romantic exchanges in e-mails, listened in to 'phone sex' through help of AT&T.

Leahy, who is known for his intensity, if not hot temper, interrupted Franken . "Mr. Clapper, there are no viable ways to change the NSA? We can't stop voyeuristic NSA employees from masturbating while listening and viewing intimate sexual conversations."

The senator continued on and told Clapper that many in the NSA "Are a bunch of out-of-control sex-obsessed cowboys destroying the privacy of citizens and stomping with boots and spurs on the Bill of Rights of the U.S. Constitution. You don't even get search warrants for Citizens are surveilled for no reason at all."

Director Clapper responded that when U.S. citizens engaged in "passionate, and perhaps unusually deviant sexual adventures" on the Internet, the telephone, and in e-mails that "because of their emotions destroying their reason they might say revealing things that can impact the national security interests of The American Empire."

"If NSA's private contractor's employees want to play with themselves while coming into contact with words said during sexual contact, that are related to National Security, that's their business. Besides it probably relaxes them and makes them more efficient on the job, " stated Mr. Clapper.

Senator Franken told the Director that the NSA seemed to be "sex-obsessed."

"You guys not only monitor loved ones sexual activity-what is that, some sort of masochistic activity? -view and overhear sexual behavior but, it turns out you watch porn like child pornography on the Internet to see if what you call 'radicalizers'are on the web sites." Said the Senator.

"Of course we watch a lot of porn at the NSA. We'll use it to discredit the bad guys if they're on these sites. And we just don't monitor radicalizers." Said Clapper.

We're interested in Angela Merkel's sex life too-and that of all world leaders who, as you know we have under surveillance If we get the right intel we'll use it to promote the national interests of our National Security Police State."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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