Guardian editor hauled kicking and screaming to cold cell and bread and water

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Thursday, 5 December 2013

image for Guardian editor hauled kicking and screaming to cold cell and bread and water
Cooperating news organizations and citizens may earn this stamp with oath to stop questioning the government

Readers beware! The headline above is totally false, not legitimate investigation--which follows below. The record will be clear.

It is not true that The Guardian's Mr. Rusbridger was later conducted into an additional, secret Home Affairs Committee investigating room, and asked further questions, including--

"Mr. Rusbridger, do you love God, mother, and apple pie? Or not?"

"Do you not see, Mr. Rusbridger, that reporting surveillance of foreign leaders and upcoming trade deals is the same as handing code to the Nazis?"

"With all due respect, Mr. Rusbridger, we are preparing another hammer for you, like the one we used in The Guardian basement on your Snowden files."

No. According to spokespersons for both parties here's what really did happen:

Following the public meeting members of the committee invited Mr. Rusbridger to a local pub nearby where they made him an offer.

A colorful and well-drawn stamp has been created on the theme of loyalty to one's government and political representatives, with the traditional and beloved image of the three monkeys.

This stamp will be applied to all cooperating news organizations. Citizens too may earn the stamp via swearing an oath over the internet to stop questioning the government.

Mr. Rusbridger's cooperation could bring use of this stamp (as approval) on all subsequent issues of The Guardian, particularly on GCHQ and NSA related stories.

But Mr. Rusbridger proposed another way forward. Why not mano a mano with him at the pub in a game of arm wrestling, winner take all?

If he lost he would honor the three monkeys stamp. If they lost, they would drop all insinuations, legal threats, and harassments regarding journalism as "terrorist activity."

Mr. Rusbridger then surprised committee members with a "hidden bicep of steel," according to an observer, and successive (very rapid) victories.

Committee arm after arm was snapped to the table top under Mr. Rusbridger's force.

In a jovial mood more drinks were ordered. But once again it was committee members who ended up under the table (eventually removed by stretchers and stretch-limos) whereas Mr. Rusbridger remained seated and checking his notes on the day's proceedings.

Apparently all the inebriatives had run through him into a special reservoir in his boot, a matter with grave implications now under study by Scotland Yard.

Indeed, a spokesperson for the Yard has explained that all these behaviors must be investigated thoroughly, and there may be charges against Mr. Rusbridger for "seeking to impede and corrupt an investigation."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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