College Professors: Legalized Prostitution

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

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AP--University presidents of USC, Notre Dame, MIT, Michigan State and U.C.L.A announced a new academic consortium designed to essentially make schools virtual extensions of corporations. The group is called "Corporate Academia." Its slogan is "The Business Of The University Is Business.

The consortium issued a press statement today that the college professors on their campuses will be required to wear corporate logos on their jackets and shirts while teaching, doing laboratory work, and during office hours.

"Wearing a colorful corporate logo will improve the way some of these dull, tweedy professors look," explained Dr. Betty Boo of MIT, who is acting as spokesperson for the consortium.

Those who partner with government agencies on research, such as the super-secret DARPA, branches of the U.S. military, the CIA will also be required to be branded with the logos.

"Much of the money generated for our universities comes from national, and multi-national corporations. They partner with many of our professors to create new drugs, develop lethal weaponry, research, create new varieties of vegetables for corporate farming and much more, " said Dr. Boo.

"University based research is at the core of our high-tech economy dominated by Wall Street, the Military-Industrial-Complex and the NSA." She stated. .

"We want the professors to wear the logos as a way of thanking corporations, the military and government for their gigantic financial support of our universities. When we partner with them in brings in substantial money for us. For example, Big Phrarma now runs the Medical School at USC after theymade big payoffs to the university to get that privilege," said the MIT professor.

She further stated that there would be numerous billboards on our campuses promoting the corporations and the military with which the universities' partner. "Already at football games, the corporate presence is omnipresent on stadium screens, the netting behind the goal posts, give-aways of goods and services to fans in selected seats and so on."

" College football playoffs are played in bowl games sponsored by Edison and so on. There's the Valero Alamo Bowl, the Tostito Festival Bowl, The Pentagon Rose Bowl, which provide examples of the corporatization of universities."

"So, having billboards on campuses is just a logical extension of what is in existence," she said.

The announcement also said that most liberal arts courses, like philosophy, would be dropped from the curricula, that art and music appreciation courses would also have to go. "You won't see any ballet dancers leaping about on the grounds of our universities," said Dr. Boo.

"We'll keep some courses in the English Departments like those that can be used to benefit Corporate America. Basic Writing Skills course would be an example. But English Literature has to go."

" Students don't care about Shakespeare anyway. Certainly courses in critical thinking and logic, taught by our English and Philosophy professors will be eliminated. Frankly, the ability to think clearly and analytically to examine our cultural, political, and economic system is not something Corporate America and the U.S. military, who make the existence of our universities possible, will put up with as we go forward."

"If they could think, students might focus on the oppression, exploitation of workers, hunger and food deprivation, reasons for the permanent economic depression and endless wars. Then they would not be compliant workers or make good soldiers. That's the real problem." the MIT Professor explained.

The spokeswoman stated that courses like Ethics, Comparative Religion, Russian Literature, and Art History have really always been for the elite. "Stanford, Pomona College, the number's one and two universities in the country refused to join our consortium. It is interesting to note that the most recently ranked best universities in the U.S. are both on the West Coast. What is probably most remarkable is the Pomona California, a small liberal art college in Claremont California is ranked number two. Full Disclosure: This newsman's wife is a Pomona College alumna.

"Pomona and Stanford don't have an anti-intellectual atmosphere that is compatible with corporate- military interests and American culture. They still offer liberal arts-humanities courses. If elitist parents want these courses for their snobby kids, let them go there. But I don't why they'd want to do that, she said.

Dr. Boo argued that knowledge of the history of civilizations, great literature, what thinkers like Plato and John Locke had to say is absolutely useless in our society, where getting a job and being an indentured servant to the Bank of America for student loans is the reality of "everyday life in the real world. "

"Stanford University and Pomona College do not mirror the values of our culture. We think that is a mistake. Professors on our campuses will make that statement by wearing the corporate-military logos on their clothing," she concluded.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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