The GOP's "Big Tent" Is Collapsing

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Saturday, 12 October 2013

image for The GOP's "Big Tent" Is Collapsing
Escaped Intact Before the Big Tent Collapsed

Houston, TX--Last year's election was a disaster for the GOP: it lost the presidency, the Democrats retained the Senate thanks to a handful of Tea Party loons, and Republicans retained the House in numbers but lost in aggregate votes by about a million. This, according to Republican Committee Chairman Reince Priebus, has led to much soul-searching by the GOP, and one conclusion, according to Preibus: "We are still the party of the big tent!"

But that big tent, pundits say, is shrinking and is full of old white people from the South and Tea Party loonies from districts so red they bleed Pabst Blue Ribbon. "The South will rise again," one old woman drooled while waving the Gadsden Flag at a GOP pep rally recently held at the Astrodome which, like the Republican Party itself, is scheduled for demolition in 2014 due to occupancy code violations. "Don't tread on me, " yelled a half drunk middle-aged man living on Social Security and without teeth or health insurance, who came all the way from Tug Fork, Tennessee, just to hate on "that black Muslim from Kenya," he slurred while finishing off his ninth beer.

Ted Cruz, a darling of the Tea Party, was supposed to speak at the rally in the Astrodome, until one of the members of the Minutemen, a group that monitors the US-Mexican border in search of illegal immigrants, mistook Cruz for an illegal and winged him as he tried to run from the crazed gunman. Cruz, like the Republican Party itself, is in stable condition and is expected to survive.

Fortunately for Cruz, he has excellent health insurance, provided by the government.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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