Rogue NSA agent blows whistle on game-playing politicians

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Thursday, 5 September 2013

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Mr. McCain seemed to have wild cards up his sleeve--which he insisted he did not.

A new whistleblower from Booz Allen Hamilton has emerged to offer insights into game-playing habits of congressional leaders.

This development occurred yesterday after Senator McCain was caught playing poker on his iPhone during a three and a half hour meeting of the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations discussing Syria.

Mr. McCain was amused at being caught. His tweet on it implied tedium was the problem. But some observers theorize he was calculating on his public position-making related to war with Syria, as with finding an ace of spades in a hole card.

The new anonymous NSA source insists he is a patriot who felt compelled to demonstrate what, in modesty, members of congress cannot reveal--ipso facto the quality of their mental powers and prowess.

Mr. Boehner shoots pool on his iPhone and can run the table without his computer opponent getting into the action at any time. He sometimes holds tournaments with himself and sweeps to victory no problem.

Ms. Pelosi plays football in the position of quarterback. She has consistently set new personal records for rushing while simultaneously crushing defense by trampling over it, action she accompanies with hand-smacking and shouting.

The President himself is absorbed in computer chess. His stats indicate a 42% winning average on Level 4 of a 10 point strength scale. He is always eager to exchange queens and battle to a bitter ending with pawns only beside the King.

The President has said he might play chess with Mr. Putin but only after the Russian President is more conciliatory, instead of slouching at the back of the room like a schoolboy.

Mr. Kerry's preference is an old version of Command and Conquer, in which the USA kicks China's butt or rolls over jihadi forces, which build tunnels and holes.

Additionally, although unaware of this NSA mole admiring from behind a knot hole so to speak, Mr. Boehner, Mr. McCain, Mr. Graham, and Mr. Cantor use their iPhone poker equipment as warm-ups for real games with real cards in back rooms of the Capitol Building equipped with card tables and waiters.

On confusing issues before the Congress requiring multiple perspectives they stake their support on an issue depending on who wins overall during an evening's revelry.

In a recent game Mr. McCain scored a series of wins. He seemed to have wild cards up his sleeve--which he insisted he did not.

Mr. Graham got a little hot after his fourth near-win only to find Mr. McCain (again) with an ace of spades as his final hole card.

The tension eased when Mr. McCain offered to support Mr. Graham's view of the President's action on Syria as too timid and narrow.

"It's not in the cards" is a favorite expression of many congressional members, but Mr. McCain also likes "If we play our cards right," and "We will hold our cards close to our vest."

On the current turmoil over Syria, Mr. McCain has recommended a game of poker with Mr. Assad, Mr. Putin, Prince Bandar (for the rebels), and himself as the US representative--winner take all.

The NSA whistleblower approved this idea, because meta-data (in gigabytes) for Mr. McCain shows high confidence for a US win if such a contest could be arranged.

The senator's long hours of preparation with his iPhone game tools would place him very favorably at the table.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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