APALACHICOLA, Fla. - House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) today signed into a long-term Alzheimer's center long-established Arizona Senator John McCain. When asked why he did it, the terse and taciturn Boehner quipped, "It was a Republican thing to do. I have no other comments."
McCain will be living at Sundog Alzheimer's Center in Apalachicola, Fla., situated on the Apalachicola River and Bay on the Gulf Coast. A renovated historic mansion will provide pleasant accommodations for McCain, who just turned 77 Thursday.
"This is a great birthday present. Thanks Mr. Speaker," McCain chirped as he was being wheeled into Sundog in a wheelchair. Surprisingly, McCain didn't say this with his usual saturnine or cynical mocking tone; instead, he actually sounded very grateful.
"Don't mention it, John. There's a nice cake in there for you. Vanilla. With vanilla icing. And vanilla ice cream, too. Yummy, yummy. They've even got cream soda. Good stuff," the Speaker said.
"Sounds great! Two birthday parties for me in two days! Or was it three? Or four or five? I forget."
"Yup. Enjoy. You were one of the oldest farts in the Senate but you'll be one of the spring chickens at Sundog," Boehner said with his usual look of disdain.
Republican national leaders have been concerned of late about McCain's mental faculties. When asked by a Washington newspaper reporter after a stateside birthday bash for him Thursday about how he felt about President Obama's tough stance on Syria, McCain looked wideeyed, then yelped, "Who's Obama?"
The newspaper reporter, taken aback for a moment, said, "Barack Obama. He's the President of the United States."
"Never heard of him," McCain muttered. "And what's this about cereal? Sure, I had my cereal this morning. I eat it with my yogurt. Every day, just about."
"No, I said Syria, Senator McCain, not cereal. And you don't remember Barack Obama? Are you serious?" the reporter said.
"No. Who's this Obama fellow again?" McCain looked deeply concerned.
"He's the President. You ran against him yourself in the 2008 Presidential race. You've got to be joking. You don't know who Barack Obama is?"
McCain, looking stymied, shook his head. The reporter grabbed onto the elderly man's arm, since the Senator looked as if he was about to fall over into a very large cake the Senate kitchen staff had made for him.
"What's this fellow look like?" McCain asked, still holding onto the reporter's arm.
"He's a tall, skinny, Black guy. He has graying hair. It used to be black while you and he were battling it out with him in the 2007 campaign."
"A Jewish fellow?"
"No, Mr. McCain, he's an African-American. Actually, he's half-Black and half-White, but nobody ever mentions this fact these days. If they do, it's normally in pejorative terms. By people a lot like you, Senator McCain. Those Tea Party folks. Anyhow, he's the first Black U.S. President."
"No, that's just not possible," McCain snorted.
"Really, Senator, are you feeling okay? Should we call 911?" the reporter pleaded.
"Don't be messing with me, now," McCain shouted at the reporter. "Don't you know who I am? I'm very important. My father and grandfather were four-star admirals. My rubber duckey. Where'd you hide it?"
After the party, the newspaper reporter returned to the paper with a story. In it, the very vocal Senator McCain, who has lambasted Obama each and every news day going on six years now, couldn't even recall Obama's identity. The newspaper, a very conservative sheet, killed the hard-news piece before the edition went to press, however.
With the Syria controversy, leading Republicans felt it was a good time to get McCain into exclusive Sundog, which only accepts highly decorated U.S. military veterans and/or POWs. Republican sources admitted that during a slower news cycle, such a spectacle of the southwestern Senator not being able to even recall Barack Obama's identity might prove very embarrassing to the GOP.
A Senate aide, who insisted on staying anonymous, said, "It's not big news right now. Thank goodness it happened when it did. The Senator's where he needs to be. We hear he's settling in well at Sundog and there are many other old war vets in there that he's taken a liking to. They seem to like him, too; he really can be a charmer and a friendly guy. But the other residents keep telling him he fought in Vietnam, not the Revolutionary War. For some strange reason, the Senator adamantly argues that he fought at Valley Forge and the Battle of Bunker Hill....
"There's a cannon out front of the historic home. It's an old city, Apalachicola. Tons of history and all. But the cannon is from the Civil War, not the War with the British. Anyhow, Senator McCain thinks the Redcoats are after him. Sometimes he even tries to gather up the other residents to charge the cannon. He causes quite a stir when this occurs....
"Anyhow, once a warrior, always a warrior. Every morning for the past couple of years, before the Senate convened, a lower-ranking GOP peer would hold up a picture of Barack Obama and chant, This is the guy we love to hate, John. He's a very bad man. He's Public Enemy Number One. Go out and say really bad things about him on the Senate floor and then to the media," this unnamed Senate aide expounded.
And like a fighting pit-bull, the gray-haired Senator would spout off about a few issues, always naming Obama as a culprit.
Now, however, the birthday boy must be put out to pasture. Sadly, his sole purpose as the GOP's attack dog has expired. He doesn't even know who Obama is anymore.
A reporter who followed McCain into the Sundog on his admission's day wrote that the Senator counted all the candles on his cake. Irate and confused, McCain cried, "You need to put at least 25 more candles on that cake!"
"You're not over a hun'dered yet," said a quick-thinking, decrepit WW-II veteran, during a moment of his rare lucidity.
Bewildered, John McCain looked at this antediluvian relic. Some of the other antiquated party goers blew into little horns. Others laughed hysterically. Some wore crazy looking party hats with streamers hanging down their sides.
"But you're getting there. It won't be long, young fella'," the guy chuckled.