NFL Blames Blames "Rooster Booster" For Player's Health Problems

Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Friday, 3 May 2013

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Rooster Booster

BILLINGSGATE POST - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that that the NFL will fight the onslaught of player suits claiming that information regarding the effects of concussions on the brains of its players was deliberately withheld.

Lawyers representing the NFL now claim that, "unbeknown to team doctors and league officials, players have been using an undetectible anabolic steroid referred to as 'rooster booster' since the 1950's," going all the way back to the Johnny Unitas era.

Derived by extracting the serum from the sperm of fighting cocks just prior to having their killer spurs attached, it makes players more aggressive. This anabolic steroid can also overcome sexual size dimorphism caused by observing other players with bigger units walking around the locker room nude trying to impress female sport writers. Incidently, to take advantage of its virilizing effects, rooster booster is often administered to transexual males.

Citing the "evolutionary neuroandrogenic theory" which focuses on rooster booster as a factor influencing aggression and criminality, the social endocrinolgy of dominance can be predicted by examining the cortisol changes and behavior following victory and defeat. In layman's terms, this means that there is a direct correlation between how aggressive you are as to the amount of rooster booster injected into your buttocks.

The NFL is basing its claim on the theory that five generations of football players have used rooster booster with knowledge of its effects. Furthermore, based on the new knowledge that for years Lance Armstrong used a form of rooster booster that went undetected by modern chemistry, the NFL's position is that it cannnot be held culpable because of the principle of "invincible ignorance."

In psycho-philosophic terminology, invincible ignorance means that you are incapable of understanding a concept; thus not responsible for any action or inaction resulting from the ignorance.

Caveat: Although Dr. Billingsgate currently holds 12 doctorates ranging from Taxidermy to Animal Husbandry, if sued by the NFL or the Player's Union, he will claim invincible ignorance.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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