Manti Te'o Admits Brother is a Cardboard Cutout

Written by Archie Spurlock

Sunday, 24 February 2013

Manti Te'o shocked the crowded room of reporters Saturday in Indianapolis when he announced that his younger brother is a hoax.

"It is really embarrassing," Te'o said. "I just thought he was shy and a little one dimensional."

The elaborate hoax began when Manti's mother, Ottilia Te'o, mistook belly fat for a sixth pregnancy.

"Manti was so excited for a little brother and I didn't have the heart to disappoint him. I wrapped a doll in a blanket and named it Manasseh. When Manti never realized his brother wasn't real, his father and I began to construct cardboard Manasseh cutouts."

"I should have suspected my brother was a cardboard cutout when he never used his hands," Manti Te'o said, choking back tears. "I'd throw him the football and yell 'Manasseh, catch!', but the ball always just bounced off him."

When asked how this new revelation would affect Te'o's chances in the draft, former NFL executive Bill Polian was adamant that it would not.

"NFL coaches care about winning and Manti Te'o is considered the nation's best defensive player," Polian said. "And as an added bonus, it is widely believed he can be paid in Monopoly money."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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