North Carolina Cracks Down on Plumber's Crack

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Sunday, 17 February 2013

image for North Carolina Cracks Down on Plumber's Crack
Show this much more and it's a felony, say state representatives.

State representatives of North Carolina have introduced a bill that, if passed, would "clarify" an already existing state law to prohibit the display of butt cracks.

The proposed legislation, House Bill (_!_), would make it a Class Preparation H felony to expose "the area beginning at the intersection of the sagittal and transverse planes on the human back extending down to the perineum, or any portion thereof."

Rep. Rayne Brown (R), ironically named co-sponsor of the bill, said that while the legislation might seem hilarious, there are communities and local governments across the state who "aren't cracking a smile," according to WBUT in Raleigh.

Brown said that she was forced into action by an Asseville, North Carolina, plumber who repaired a leak under her sink this past August.

"I can't begin to tell you how much that grossed me out," she explained. "He had enough hair down there to weave an Indian blanket!"

Brown said the worst part is that she only called this new company because the one she had used a year prior dispatched a technician who put on display "the most disgusting 'whale tail' I could ever imagine" as he got down on all fours.

If the bill passes, more "mundane" exposure like that of a plumber kneeling to fix a leaky sink pipe could result in a 30-day sentence, but if the display is intentional, they could throw your ass in jail for six months. There is no exemption for scratching.

House Bill (_!_) would "clear up confusion" that stems from a 1970 state Court of Appeals ruling in which "private parts," as then defined by state law, do not include "vertical smiles."

Some North Carolina men worry that if the bill passes, they might be penalized for wearing "comfortable clothing," but the bill's other co-sponsor, State Rep. Tim Moffitt, (R), told WBUT, "Just put a piece of duct tape over the offending areas. You know what they say - duct tape fixes everything. If it hurts to pull off the tape, try shaving."

A hapless Raleigh sheriff's deputy and two unsuspecting North Carolina residents admitted they were caught with their pants down when a responsible gun owner accidentally shot them at the Dixie Gun and Knife Show last month.

They said they won't make the same mistake next year.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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